The Days and Nights of Robierto

2012-02-14T07:22:00.000-08:00

On this day of love,I would like to share a beautiful dramatic reading by my friend Precious, not to be confused with Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. She has such a way with words that her dramatic reading left me, the audience, and the announcer utterly speechless.Happy Valentines Day!

The Ultimate Christmas Gift

2011-12-13T09:22:00.000-08:00

I can't keep it a secret any longer. I have bought you all a special musical CD that is sure to make your holidays bright and memorable. What do you get when you mix the showmanship of Liberace, and the musical prowess of...well, his singing is in a league all it's own. Friends I give you Giorgio...

His CD AND DVD are going fast. Don't be too surprised if they appear under your tree as a special little gift from me to you.MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The Bad Case of the "Literally"

2011-11-08T10:14:00.000-08:00

So I ran into this women the other day, she was fine, but why was she standing behind my door like that? After she pulled herself off the floor, she immediately and unnecessarily started telling me everything that was going on in her life. While I listened to an endless narration about herself; I thought “This chick surely uses the word “literally” a lot.”

“Don’t worry about my head,” She said “I literally have been hit in the head over 53 times, I’m telling ya, literally blunt force drama right across the kisser...literally 53 times. It literally feels great! Oh Robierto, How are you? It doesn’t matter, because I am literally the best I have ever been. I literally was thinking about you the other day, and I said Robierto is literally one of the best people that I know (OK, she didn’t really say this part, but I am writing the story, so shut up). I literally just got done with my literature class and literally it has changed my life, literally…’

“I don’t think the word “literally” means what she thinks it means”, I thought.

She literally gave me such a headache that I had to go take a nap for literally an hour. I mean, standing there listening to her talk made me want to literally blow my head right off.

I literally feel like…wait, ugh, DARN YOU “LITERALWOMEN”! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!

The Mall Lonely

2011-10-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

Does going to the mall make you feel lonely?

I don’t know why but when I walk into the mall and I feel lonely.And not just lonely, but so lonely I feel the need to go sit in my car andlisten to the “Carpenters” lonely.

Why is that?

I have been at the mall a lot lately trying to buy new pantsto replace the ones that blew out the zipper in the “great weight gain debacleof 2011”, and I have pondered this question a lot and here is what I have comeup with.

Reason 1-

I lack fashion courage. Sometimes you need someoneto say, “Hey you would look good in those skinny jeans” or “those skinny jeans makeyour butt look big”. Sometimes when I am shopping alone I don’t get thatfeedback, so I end up buying skinny jeans that possibly could be a little tooskinny, if you know what I mean.

Reason 2-

Sometimes I am way too tight with my money. Ifanything is over $20.00 or not on clearance I won’t even look twice at it.Sometimes you need someone to tell you, “Just go for it. You deserve a pair ofskinny jeans, and a low V-neck t-shirt.”

Reason 3-

I never thought I would have to shop alone. In allthose 80’s movies I used to watch, you always saw “populars” at the mall withall their friends buying white washed jeans and eating at Hotdog on a Stick.Even today, I see all the popular kids at the Buckle making fun of the nerds asthe pass by and I think to myself, “I wish I had some friends so I could makefun of nerds.”

My biggest fear is that I have become that guy that thepopular kids who shop at the Buckle laugh at. With my age inappropriate skinnyjeans and my orange shoes I got on clearance from Wal-mart.

(Sigh) Sometimes I feel lonely at the mall.

The Shopping of Pants

2011-10-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

I hate buying pants. There I’ve said it. Any other articleof clothing I feel pretty confident about buying…except shirts, socks, andshoes…but anything else, super confident about it.

Friends, my zipper blew out of my pants yesterday. And when I say “blew out” I literally meanthat, it went flying out of my pants and hit someone in the face.

It’s all because I have put on some weight because I havestarted drinking egg nog a little prematurely this year. It’s a topic I don’twant really want to talk about because it makes me depressed and drives me intothe loving arms of egg nog all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.

So anyway, I went to the mall yesterday hoping that I wouldfind exactly what I was looking for, for under $20.00. Expectations a littletoo high? You betcha!

Can I ask a question? What is with skinny jeans, skinnydress pants, and plunging V-neck t-shirts that go to your belly button?

I don’t get it. They give me stress. How can anyone becomfortable in something so restrictive? It’s hard to say.

In my searching, once I did find a nice looking pair ofpants it was either $500.00 or they didn’t have it in my size (I have come toaccept that the pant size 34x34 is merely a myth, a legend. Frankly, I don’t think itreally exists.)

So after going to every store in the mall I finally ended upin Eddie Bauer. Eddie is a good friend, we go way back and he is always good athaving what I need in stock. He had the perfect pair of pants for me on the clearancerack for under $20.00.

Are the pants high waisted? Absolutely.

Do I have to cinchthem with a belt so the will stay on? Darn straight.

Have I gotten some interesting looks when I go club hoppin' in my grandma pants? You better believe it.

I may look like an idiot on the outside, but I feel o' so comfortable within. And that's really what it's all about.

Isn't it?

The Potty Humor

2011-09-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

OK Friends, you know I am a sucker for some good “pottyhumor”. Call it a weakness, but my brain just automatically goes there. And thelast place that you would expect for my brain to find “potty humor” is atchurch. But friends I did.

So I was sitting in Elder’s Quorum trying to be spiritualand find greater meaning in my life when the teacher asked “What can we do to findgreater meaning in our lives.”

And as I sat pondering the question, the brother in front ofme raised his hand and said this, “Ya know brothers it’s the things that we do,do everyday that makes a difference.”

Where upon I thought, “Uh huh, uh huh…what was that?”

And then he said some other things and then repeated thephrase, “Ya know brothers it’s the things that we do, do everyday that makes adifference.”

And my neighbor and I slowly turned to look at each other toconfirm if we were hearing correctly, and his giggles confirmed our good brothersaid “Doo doo” in church. And not only that, but he used the word “doo doo” ina sentence where it actually made sense in context.

The mature thing would have been to gain composure and be anadult about the whole thing.

But friends, I giggled throughout the entire meeting.

I really need to do my duty, and out grow this “potty humor”brain of mine.

(Duty…he,he,he)

The Star Wars Pageant Tribute

2011-09-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

So my friend Stacey came over the other night and announced she wanted to try out for Miss. Daybreak 2011.

Where upon I said, "Stacey I have the best idea for your talent. I am thinking StarWars, trumpet solos, and dance."

It was a beautiful marriage of creativity and innovation. Luckily someone filmed this little gem for your viewing pleasure.

The Sales People Anxiety

2011-09-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

Friends, I don’t know how to put this gently, but… I HATE SALESPEOPLE.

I just don’t like all that pressure when I am spendingmoney. I like to take my time and think everything through. And sometimes Ifind that after a sales person gives their little schpill, I buy what they arepushing, just because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, as is evidenced bymy $600.00 road bike that I have ridden five times.

Sure there are some coping techniques to get around talking to sales people such as,pretending you are on an all important cell phone call, speed walking throughthe store so the sales people can’t catch you, or you could just pretend youare deaf. All of which have to proven to work very well for me in the past.

Now I have been putting off buying a new mattress for abouta year. But last week, laying in bed and realizing that my legs were stickingstraight up in the air due to the dilapidation of my mattress, I figured it wastime to start looking.

So I went to the furniture store, determined not to bebothered by a sales person. My intent was to go in lay on some beds, andperhaps jump on some of them with a bottle of wine and some goblets set at theother end.And I have found that when a sales person hounds me, it really hinders thefreedom of expression that I so desperately need as I leap from bed to bed.

So as soon as I walked into the furniture store, whichliterally was crawling with sales people, I was greeted by an overly perkysales person named Nancy, whom I will lovingly refer from this point on as...“Nancy Pants”.

Nancy Pants: So what are you looking for?

Robierto: A mattress

Nancy Pants: Do you know what kind of mattress you need?

Robierto: No.

Nancy Pants: Do you need a firm mattress or a softmattress?

Robierto: Um…I am not really sure

Nancy Pants: Why are you wearing pajamas and holding abottle of wine and some goblets?

So I finally told Nancy Pants that I probably just needed togo try some mattresses out by myself to find what I really needed.

So Iwandered in to the showroom and fell back on a good Ol’Queen size, and ponderedthe possibility of setting up the goblets, when I felt someone lay down besideme.

Nancy Pants: So what do you think?

Robierto: I think you need to respect my personal space “NancyPants” and hop off this mattress ASAP. (I didn’t say that, but it was how I felt.)

But she just lay there next to me, which seemed soinappropriate on so many levels. And I could feel myself getting more and moreanxious and she talked about lower lumbar support.

So finally, almost to the point where I thought I was goingto hyperventilate, I said, “Good Nancy, can I have you check to see if this comfymattress is in stock?”

Where upon she jumped off the mattress and I jumped out thedoor and drove home as fast as I could.

Am I embarrassed that I possibly have a social anxietyrelated to sales people?

Yes.

Am I sad that Nancy Pants didn’t get the sales commissionshe thought she had coming so she could provide Christmas for her children thisyear?

Absolutely!

But while I am fixing myself and evaluating my mental healthstatus, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GO BUY A MATTRESS FOR ME?

Much Thanks,

Robierto

The Awkward Goodbye

2011-08-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

So recently I had an amazing experience with a group ofpeople that I love. It was life changing and many of the people will have alasting place in my heart.

But there was one family that I got particularly close to.

It was getting close to when we were all leaving, and I started experiencing some emotions and feelings that I felt needed to beshared.

So I gave them ahug and launched into what I can only phrase as “emotional and verbal vomit”.It just didn't stop, it just kept coming no matter how hard I tried to hold itback There was a few of “You have changed my life” with a little dash of “youare the wind beneath my wings”, followed by a shower of tears, and rocking andholding. It was quite a scene.

But I felt good because I had emptied all the feelings thatI had carried for so long about these wonderful people. We then hugged and I was about ready to headto my flight, only to hear over the radio that my flight was delayed.

Now there is something very liberating about unloading suchfeelings when you know there is a very high chance you will never see thesepeople again and you can walk away after you have shared some tender feelings.

But then there we stood...in a very loud silence...not knowingwhat to say because...IT had all had been said.

There I stood feeling all of a sudden like I had shared too much with way too much emotion, and they probably thought I was an emotional wreck?

It was weird, so I excused myself and sat in the bathroomuntil my flight left.

The Chastity Share

2011-08-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

Good Friends-

Do you ever have a lesson on "Chastity" in Elders Quorum? And someone raises their hand and shares some experiences where they or a family member broke the law of chastity? And you are sitting there thinking...(push play now.) Maybe those feelings should be shared within the walls of your own home. Thanks friend.

The Harry Potter Movie Mess

2011-08-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have been so excited to see Harry Potter and I finally sawit last night.

So there I was dressed in my Hogwarts robe, with a lightningbolt scratched into my forehead with a twig I had fashioned into a wand. I wasready to finish up this movie saga, and put this bad boy to bed.

But for some Harry Potter fans, the excitement can be toomuch. As was evidenced by an explosive event that happened as we watched the movie.

So as I am sitting there enjoying the movie, Harry is walking in to face “He whomust not be named” and it happens…

“Uuuurrhhhhg” and “Splat” came the sound coming two rowsback.

“That’s funny”said I, “That sounded like someonethrowing up. But it probably is just someone groaning and spilling their drink.”I thought hopefully.

But then came a small voice, “Dad, I don’t feel very ….UUUUURRRHHHHGGG”.Followed by the sound of projectile vomit hitting everything in its path.

Luckily I wasn’t hit, but what do you do when someone throwsup in your close proximity? I think for most of us our thoughts are to theperson throwing up? Are they OK? And then we think of ourselves, “Did I get anythrow up on me?”

But for me, my first thought was of young Harry. “Cansomeone please remove that child? Harry is trying to save Hogwarts…jeez”.

So the child was quickly removed and my friends and I satthinking should we do. Do we leave or do we continue on the journeywith young Harry? Well naturally we have to stay because Harry needs us. If we leave him to his own devises he willend up marrying Ginny instead of Hermione.

So we plugged our noses, pulled our items off the floor andcontinued with the movie.

But then another obstacle pressed itself against us as weheaded into the finale battle, that of the movie theater employee. Why he feltlike he had to clean up the mess behind me during the climax of the movie, we perhapswill never know.

So I am trying to block the movie theater employee out and the smell of vomit, but all I can hear is “Spirtz, Spritz” and “SCRAPE”,and then “Spirtz, Spritz” and “SCRAPE”. And then the “PLOP” of liquid matter droppinginto the trash bag.

So needless to say, as I dry heaved through the last part ofthe movie, my attention was not with my friends on screen, as it should have been. And as such, Harrymade the mistake of choosing that dull Ginny over Hermione.

I would like to believe if I had been more focused the moviecould have ended differently.

Oh Harry why Ginny? Why? It's heavy at times.

The Mother Nature Problem

2011-08-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

In the last few weeks I have had some eye openingexperiences that have reminded me how old I am. It’s not that I am in denialabout my age, but sometimes Mother Nature bashes you over the head to remindyou that you are no spring chicken. (Gentle laughing) That Mother Nature is aMaaad Scientist friends. I am not going to lie to you…I don’t care for her somuch.

For example, the other day I came out of the mall andcouldn’t find my car.

“Really?” I said to myself, “Are we really to this point in mylife where I can’t even remember where I parked twenty minutes ago? Really? (Withmy voice going up at the end)”

So there I wandered in the 100 degree heat searching for mylittle white Civic. When suddenly, and without warning I spotted her not 10steps from where I was standing. Ah, Itwas a South Towne Shopping Center miracle, I tell you!

So I got out my key and tried to unlock the door…but nothinghappened. The key didn’t feel like it was going in correctly. So I pulled outthe key, looked at it, and then tried again, fruitlessly.

So I did what any sane person would do in 100 degree heat Istarted jerking the key around, pounded on the door. I even licked my key tomake sure it was properly lubricated…but still nothing.

So finally I started looking in the windows to see if I leftone of the windows down so I could maybe stick a hanger or something in thereto unlock the door. And then I notice something odd about my car…

“Why is there a Lady Gaga CD on my seat…and when did I getblack upholstery?”

That’s right friends, it wasn’t my car. And to make mattersworse the owner was walking out of the store right at the same moment I waslooking into his windows. That made for a rather interesting conversation in analready awkward situation.

On a brighter note, I have learned that as I get older myemotions are well connected to my feelings. As was evidenced as I cried like alittle girl as I was questioned by mall security.

Thanks Mother Nature, you’re the best!

The Modest Swim Gear

2011-05-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

You know how some people take a great idea and take it way too far? I present to you a case concerning modest clothing. Now I think we can agree, we need to be modest, and there have been some great strides to make our swimwear that way (Thank you to the makers of the tankini)

But, friends, there’s modesty and then there is… well, see for yourselves.

I could be wrong but this seems like a step backward, doesn’t is?

I worry about anyone swimming in these things. That just seems like too much fabric in the water; wouldn’t you just sink to the bottom of the pool? And how long does that thing take to dry? I would worry about hypothermia.

And speaking as a single man, if the girl I was dating came walking out, "pool side" in one of these numbers... definitely a deal breaker.

(Dedicated to Carol and Krystal for bring this fashion trend to my attention. I don't know if they sent this to me to make me laugh, or if they are actually sitting pool side wearing these as we speak. It's hard to say.)

The Best Workout

2011-04-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

Many people ask me, “Robierto, what is your secret for staying in such fabulous shape.”

My response, “Mind your own bees wax”.

But today I will reveal to my gentle readers the secret for my shapely buns and thighs.

I usually do some aerobics in the morning. "Find it. Feel it. DO IT!"

And in the evening I like to bring my moves to the street and hit the dance clubs. My favorite moves can be found at 2:30 when we hit the “freestyle”. Wait for it...

Friends, don't hate me because I’m beautiful.

Shout out to Adrien and Kim for these great clips.

The Mysterious "U"

2011-04-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

Here is the favorite part of my day.

I walked past my co-worker’s cubicle and saw him staring out the window.

Robierto: Um, Joe, what are you looking at buddy?

Joe: How long has the that “U” been on the side of the mountain (referring to the gynormus U by the University of Utah).

Robierto: Um, I don't know, like a hundred years.

Joe: (he laughs) That’s funny. But seriously, did they put that thing up over the weekend?

Robierto: No. Seriously. I really think the pioneers sectioned it off, put it in their handcarts and walked across the plains, and then reconstructed it when they arrived in the valley. It’s that old.

(But then he looked confused and I realized we weren't joking any more.)

Robierto: Joe? You have never notice the "U" on the mountain before? Really?

Joe: No. I just noticed it today.

Robierto: But Joe, It’s over a 100 feet tall. And you have worked here for over a year with your window pointing right to it.

Joe: Yeah, I don’t know. That’s so weird. You would think I would have noticed it as I drove to school every day.

Robierto: Where do you go to school Joe?

Joe: The University of Utah.

Friends, sometimes I fear that Joe is “touched”.

The Peter Pan Mishap

2011-04-08T13:15:00.000-07:00

Here is a cautionary tale of the dangers of falling in love within the walls of the theater.

Once upon a time there was a young, up and coming actress by the name of Veronica. She thrilled when she saw the news that her local community theater was putting on Peter Pan, or for those of you who speak Spanish, Pedro Pan.

She was determined to be cast in the role as Peter, and she didn’t care who she had to hurt or kill to make her dream a reality.

Enter one Hank, a lowly stage hand, who never had a women show any interest in him at all. He spent his nights designing sets and figuring out how to get the pulley system to work so he could make people appear to fly during the upcoming production of Peter Pan.

Veronica knew that if she could use her feminine charms to seduce Hank, she was sure he could make it possible for her to be cast as Peter Pan. Little did Hank know that Veronica was just using him to get her Ethel Merman sized voice on the stage.

Well her plan worked and after many a night whispering “sweet nothings” in Hank’s ear, Hank used his stage hand influence and got the director to cast Veronica as the lovable Peter Pan.

But, as is often the way in these tales, Veronica turned her Peggy Fleming hair and attentions towards the man cast as Captain Hook, a man whom we shall call, Ramone. And she began cheating on Hank with latin born, Ramone. While Hank was out training Michael and John how to fly, Veronica was making out with Ramone in her dressing room.

Meanwhile, Hank was still enamored with Veronica and thought that their romance would last long after the show was over (which, by the way, is rare in the theater world).

On opening night Hank thought he would surprise Veronica with flowers and a poem he had written, which wasn’t very good, but he thought if there was a lull in the conversation he could break it out.

As he opened her dressing room door, he was shocked to see Veronica eating grapes off of Ramone’s prop Hook.

Hank, as any good thespian would do, screamed like a girl, and made a spectacle of himself by crying loudly and tearing at his clothes.

But then a thought arose in Hank’s mind, a thought so dark, and so ugly that it made a Shakespeare tragedy look like an after school special. The wheels in his head starting turning, the dark and greasy wheels of revenge overcame him.

“What if something were to happen to Veronica’s cable while she was flying tonight?” He asked in a sinister voice.

Well friends, this is what the audience saw as Veronica took to the skies as Peter Pan…

Here are some hilarious Peter Pan mishaps that I think are hilarious. Be careful when you dream "happy thought" you could fly right out of your bed.

Sometimes people get so angry when the director casts his own daughter as a lead...

The Silent Appreciation

2011-04-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard someone sing in church, the song continues to build and build and build until they climax to this glorious note? And then the song finishes and that last note hangs in the air and you can hear the echo bouncing off the walls and then…silence.

And you know you are moved. And you know the singer is moved. But there is just a very loud silence, and it feels awkward because you want to communicate how much their song meant to you, and explain why the person next to you is rocking and weeping. But how do you do that?

I am not saying that we need to applaud in church, or anything. But wouldn’t it be something if we could come up with a silent way to show how much we appreciated a spiritual experience that someone has given us through a song or talk?

I am leaning towards “sprit fingers” directed in the vicinity of the speaker or musician, but I haven’t ruled out a designated individual to do a toe-touch for everyone present.

Or what about giving everyone little white boards so they can express in one word responses how they are feeling. But conversely, when there are bad musical numbers or the high councilman’s talk runs long. I think the bishop might be a little shocked as to some words that appear on of those white boards.

I am not saying we need to come up with something today friends, but let’s mull it over and have something by next Sunday.

Thoughts?

The Hand Shake or the Hug

2011-03-21T13:10:00.000-07:00

I think George was just looking for handshake buddy.

So I was at a social function last week where I spotted an old acquaintance that I hadn’t seen for a couple years. As I was walking across the room to greet them I realized I wasn’t sure what my greeting execution was going to be. Should I give a hug or a handshake?

We were good friends at one time, so I was leaning towards a hug, but then I thought it had been over 10 years, and I haven’t talked to them since college, so maybe a handshake was more appropriate.

But then I started to freak out because I wasn’t sure what mode of greeting I was going to use, and I was walking towards them. My head was screaming “Abort! Abort!”, but they had already seen me coming, so I couldn’t pivot and run out the door.

So I firmly decided I was going for the handshake because it was the safest approach. So I smiled and extended my hand, which they grabbed and pulled me in for…that’s right, a hug.

Unfortunately, because my feet were set for a hand shake, the little pull forward made me lose my balance and I fell right into their head and got a big ol’ mouth full of hair. Because I was trying frantically get the hair out of my mouth, I think I might have bite them on the top of their head.

We very slowly pulled away, as their hand reached to their head to apply pressure to stop, what I can only assume was a tooth induce injury to the skull.

Oh friends, what is the proper protocol for these types of situations? It begs the question, what is appropriate the handshake or the hug?

I would love to know, and I am sure my friends would feel a greater sense of safety around me if I figured this out.

The Social Office Mate

2011-03-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder if people are socially retarded?

I have this woman at work who stops by, and after she is done with her business she just sits in my office.

So, when I say “office” you are going to think of a room with a large desk in it with chairs in front to consult with people. But when I say “office” I mean a broom closet with a two chairs that are almost touching.

So as we sit there, knee to knee in absolute silence, I ask, “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No.” She replies.

And then she sits there in silence looking at me.

So what do I do?
I am very adverse to silence when two people are sitting so close together and I start to sweat and my heart starts a poundin’. What does this women want with me?

“Alright then…great! Um…so. Great!”

Still, she sits there with no response.

She obviously is not aware of verbal cues, so I switched to non-verbal cues. I start shuffling papers around my desk and sighing heavily (P.S. this technique also works very well for when your boss walks by your office to see if you have enough to do. It makes you look really busy. Give it a try.)

And…nothing. She still just sits across from me smiling.

Finally, out of desperation I pretended someone is calling me and shout, “Um, what? Oh, oh-kay, I am coming” and run out of my office to go and hide in the bathroom where I am safe from this anxious situation.

Someone might want to go check on this sweet lady. For all I know she is still in my office just smiling at the wall.

People are so weird

.

The Mode Song

2011-03-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

This is about how I feel today.

The Fortress of Solitude

2011-03-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have times when things at work get overwhelmingly hectic? The phone is ringing off the hook, people keep giving you projects, and to make matters worse, you forget to wear deodorant?

At times like this, I have found a refuge of peace in the family bathroom in our office. I don't use the facilities in the traditional way, but just like the idea that I can just shut the door and no one will disturb me.

Sometimes, I like to go in there for; oh I don’t know, like, 3 or 30 minutes just to get away from it all.

Sometimes I like to just close my eyes and shut away the world, much like the Calgon commercials of yesteryear, minus the bubbles.

As I lay on the coolness of the tile it takes all the stress away.

The Alumni Super Stars

2011-02-25T14:08:00.000-08:00

I live a quiet life, an important but unassuming life. I think for the most part I am a pretty good person and would consider myself a high yielding member of society. But with that said, whenever the BYU alumni magazine arrives in the mail and I see what my fellow alumni are up to, I begin to question if I am doing enough.

To look at the people they spotlight, it seems they all have 12 children, are working on a second doctorate degree, are earning their 2^nd billion, and yet amazingly, they still manage to spend months in Africa bandaging orphans with leprosy.

I know I should clap for them, but honestly it makes me wonder if I have squandered my learning from the BYU.

With all these feelings of inadequacy, it makes it hard for me to put my cure for cancer on the market.

The Baby Fleece Face

2011-02-09T10:54:00.000-08:00

This is just too good.

For those of you who don't know, I am a huge fan of the Slanket...not the Snuggie.

But lately I have been worried about our little people who are too small to enjoy the warmth, that is the Slanket.

But someone out there has answered the call, and has brought us this little gem of a product.

I can't help but think of the movie "Alien" every time I see this picture.

Shout out to Tori for providing the picture, and laughs

The Funniest Baby Pictures

2011-01-25T11:05:00.001-08:00

Some babies start life with a rough start. As is evidenced by these sweet photos.

Case #1: Oh sweet Baby Fran, eating an entire can of refried beans before your photo shoot may not be the wisest decision you made today.

Case #2: I don't know what the photographer was doing to illicit such a response from sweet baby Maria, but they need to take it down, like 14 notches.

Case #3: I don't even know what to say about his picture, but it makes me laugh so hard that sweet baby John needs to be shared with all my friends.

The Wonder Women Transportation Problem

2011-01-18T14:15:00.000-08:00

So last night I couldn’t fall asleep, and for whatever reason my mind went back to the Justice League cartoon I used to watch as child.

Remember? You had Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Wonder Women and those annoying Wonder Twins with their monkey (I don’t remember what their function was because they had useless powers and really cause more problems than they fixed) and they would try to defend the Earth from crazy villains. It was a veritable Dream Team of Supers.

Every “Super” had a cool means of transportation.
Superman could fly,

Batman had the Batmobile,

Aquaman rode on dolphins,

and Wonder Women had… an invisible jet.

You heard me right friends, an invisible jet.

Now the invisible jet would be cool if once Wonder Women was in her jet she would also become invisible, much like the invisibility clock from Harry Potter. That would make sense to me.

But she isn’t invisible friends; Wonder Women is clearly visible in the seated position. Which is a really weird position to be whirling through the sky in.

It would look so much cooler if she could steer lying on her stomach, because at least should would appear like she was flying.

And what’s the point of having an invisible jet if you can’t sneak up on people without them seeing you squatting, while going 200 mph? Unless Wonder Women's objective is to make them die of laughter, then I could see her plan working all too well.

I really think Wonder Women should entertain the idea of learning to be invisible or hitch a ride in the Batmobile. Batman is single, I am sure he would enjoy the company.

This is what keeps me up at night friends. Issues that would make the Justice League a little more effective in their fight against galaxy villains.

So sue me 'cause I care about people.

My Favorite Worst Music Video

2011-01-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

Oh those Swedish are at it again, and friends it is a wonderful mix of tackiness and great music.

I can't be sure but I think the guy is a young David Bowie, pre-Labyrinth era.

Now my favorite part of this whole thing is the dancing. I think it's fun that they got the local 30 and older glee club to come and do a routine that has nothing to do with the song at all. But they are just dancing their hearts out, and you have go to appreciate that.

And why they are hurling the space...again it's hard to say.
But enjoy the power that is my favorite worst music video.

The Greatness of Me

2011-01-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

Do you ever do something that you would consider incredibly charitable? So charitable in fact, you feel like at anytime you will be sucked right up into heaven? And then someone reminds that you definitely belong down here on earth with all the other turkeys? I had such an occasion as I went to go see a play over to the Hale Center Theater.

I had taken my seat and was reading over the program when I realized that I had to go to the little boys room. But as l looked down the aisle to my left there was a little old lady that looked like she had just underwent her fourth hip replacement surgery. And as I looked to my right there was a man who was on crutches.

So no matter which way I went I was going to have to make one of these good people get up out of their chairs so I could get out of the aisle. I couldn’t even do the awkward shimmy past them, because heaven forbid they make aisles wide enough so people can move in and out with ease of movement.

I decided to do a “Dukes of Hazzard Leap” to the aisle behind me, which had no people in it at all, and make my escape that way.

At this point I was feeling pretty good about my charitable maneuver. On the way to the lou, I couldn’t help but think how kind of a person I was. Most people wouldn’t have given a second thought to making my elderly and handicapped “aisle friends” get up so I could leave. But not this cowboy, I was concerned about the little people, and that’s what makes me a such a good…no, GREAT person. More people should be as kind and thoughtful as I was. I am FANTASTIC!

As I came back into the theater the usher gently grabbed my elbow and pulled me to the side. And I thought he would say something like, “Sir, thank you for being so thoughtful of our elderly and handicapped guests. Because of how good…no I am sorry, GREAT you are, we would like to offer you free popcorn and season tickets for life.”

And then I would respond by saying, “Oh, good friend, I don’t need any type of incentive for being as great as I am. It’s just my nature. I care about the little guy. I don’t need any incentives for what…well actually, I don’t need the popcorn, but I think I will take those free season tickets.”

What he actually said was, “Sir, I saw you step over the aisle and I have to tell you it scared me and many of our other guests. And I am going to have to ask that you refrain from doing that because of the safety hazard it causes.” Oh yeah, did I also mention the usher was like 16 years old. There is nothing so embarrassing as being reprimanded by someone half your age.

So I walked back to my seat, making the older lady with the four hip replacement surgeries get up out of her chair so I could move past her.

Is it possible that I am not as good as I think I am?

Anything is possible, right?

But why did the usher have to make me cry like that?

The Russian Showman

2011-01-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

I don't know what was happening in Russia in the '70's, but for whatever reason they thought Ed Roll'd Trololo was pretty hot stuff. There was a lot of radiation in the air I am assuming.

I can't figure out if he is lip syncing his own song or someone else's, but either way he isn't very good at it.
But his performance ability is spectacular even though his face is "botox frozen" throughout the entire song.

So without any further adieu, I give you the musical stylings of Mr. Ed. Roll'd Trololo.

The Skinny Jeans

2010-12-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

Now, I don’t profess to be a snazzy dresser. I think I have worn the same style since I was in high school, minus the “Zack Morris” hair. So mostly I shop over at the Wal-mart or Target to update my mid-90’s style tread.

So the other day I decided to go to a fancy store and maybe get me some upscale duds for a concert I was going to.

So there I was at the Gap, with a pair of skinny jeans that the saleswomen said would be “just darling” on me.

So I went into the dressing room and stared at myself in skinny jeans and wondered if these were really age appropriate for someone that was 35 and really enjoyed his loose fitting Levis.

That’s around the time I heard a knock at the door.

I froze and threw myself up against the wall hoping that whoever was knocking would see my legs and just move on by to the next available changing room.

Then a women’s voice said, “How are we doing in there?”

Let me just say, there is something very unsettling about hearing a sales woman’s voice through a dressing room door that isn’t tall enough to cover my entire body. It makes me feel very exposed and uncomfortable.

“Ummm…I’m fine… (awkward pause) How are you?

“I’m good. Thank you for asking. I was just wondering if I could get you something.”

Again, I am kind of new to the whole fancy shopping experience so I wasn’t quite sure what she was asking. Was she offering me some sort of refreshment like French fries or a mini quiche?

“Oh, um…I’ll just have water…I think.”

“No sir” she replied, “I was seeing if you needed another color or size of pant. We also have some very stylish t-shirts and dress shirts that would go great with those skinny jeans or…”

So there I sat as she rattled off all the items in the store that she thought would go well with the skinny jeans that I was wearing that, let’s be honest, were cutting off the circulation in my feet.

“OK, I will just be waiting for you outside” she said with an overabundance of excitement in her voice.

So after her whole little presentation was done, there was no doubt that I hated these pants, but she had gone through all this work, that a part of me felt obligated to buy them. And to make matters worse she was waiting for me outside the dressing room so I couldn't do an "army crawl" out of the store. I would have to tell her face to face that I hated these pants and then she would start crying and quite her job at the Gap. So what was I to do?

Well to make a long story short, if any of you are looking for some skinny jeans for your husband for Christmas, I happen to know a guy who is looking to give some away.

You let me know.

The Chia-Obama

2010-12-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

Friends-

What in the what? Are people insane?

My friend told me about the Chi-Obama on Saturday and I said, "Surely, you gest."
Upon which she replied, "I do not Gest...and don't call me Shirley (shout out to the Leslie Neilson).

The thing that makes me laugh so hard about this is how serious they are about it. I mean, it's a Chia, not a commemorative plate or coin from the Franklin Mint...it's a chunk of pottery, and they are acting like it is a great symbol of our patriotism.

Really?

Honestly, I didn't vote for President Obama but this makes me feel sorry for him.
He has been reduced to a "Chia".

I have to say, I do the love the tackiness of it. It just screams "poor taste".
Will you all be getting one of these as your gift from me this year?
"YES...YOU...WILL!"

The Charity That Truly Faileth

2010-11-29T12:07:00.000-08:00

I try not to let things bother me, I know I should just let things roll off my back. But sometimes people do things that seem so out of context and rude that it really bothers me.

Case and point, after an exhausting week where I was not feeling well, sleeping maybe six hours a night and then performing in a play throughout the week, I wasn’t in top form when I arrived at church yesterday.

I taught my Gospel Doctrine Lesson and felt really blessed it went as well as it did, in spite of how exhausted and sick I felt.

Admittedly, I ran a few minutes over, and I was trying to clear out of the Relief Society room as fast as I could and talk to a man who had some questions about what we had discussed in my lesson. When all of a sudden, something happened that changed me in a deep and a profound way for the rest of the day.

A hasty sister interrupted my conversion with this elderly man and said sarcastically, “Yeah...nice lesson. Seriously, we need to set up for Relief Society (with her voice going up at the end)”. Then she briskly put the traditional lacey fabric on the table and then sat down.

And I stood there wondering what would be the proper response to this sweet sister.

Now, I may not be an expert on the Relief Society Organization, and I have to admit I don’t really understand why the “tablecloth” is an essential part of worship services for the good sisters, but I seem to recall the motto for the Relief Society is “Charity Never Faileth”. Am I wrong in thinking that? I am pretty sure I am right.

But when a good sister approaches me in the way she did, I want to say a little something like this, “(clearing my throat) Sweet sister, you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself. Some of us, mostly me, who are sick, running on no sleep and feel that if they didn’t have to teach a lesson today, would be home, sick in bed. And when people are treated the way you just treated me…well ...it just makes me want to toilet paper your house."

And then I would walk away and then yell across the Relief Society Room, “Oh and by the way, if the motto of the Relief Society is “Charity Never Faileth”, which I do believe it is, your charity my good sister, faileth pretty bad. If you get worked up about making sure the table cloth is set, I would hate to see you in a real crisis.”

Then I would say, “Good day, Madam!”, and turn on my heal and walk out.

Instead of saying all that I just smiled and walked away like any good person would do.

Interestingly enough, she did wake up to her entire house covered in toilet paper…but I wouldn’t know anything about that.

The Snuggie Commercial

2010-11-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

Friends, you know I would rather step on my lips then to criticize others, but sometimes there comes an advertisement that begs to be critiqued. That advertisment is the new Snuggie Commercial.

As you watch the attached video, here are some awesome things to look for:

1-The "Macarena" in a Snuggie. Really friends?

2-Friends is it normal for a couple to hula-hoop and juggle in the bedroom? If so, you need to see a marriage counselor, ASAP.

3-Watch the couple spooning on the couch. The guy catches a piece of popcorn in his mouth and then gets all up in his wife's face about it. In real life wouldn't you just smack him?

4-I love that his wife does the "rapid gunfighter" move with her fingers when she wins her husband at...that's right...Jenga. You gots some made skills, sister!

5- And last but definitely not least, is the man "raising the roof" at the tail end of the commercial. First off, are we really still doing that? That was sooooo 10 years ago.
And secondly, he doesn't even do it right. "You just pump your arms buddy, not your whole body."
I am warning you, it's painful to watch.

People are always asking me, "Rob what is the difference between a Snuggie vs a Slanket?"
And I always say, "Better commercials."

The Taco Stand

2010-11-09T08:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I like to take my chances at the portable taco stand down the street. There is so much risk involved every time I eat there, it gives me a little thrill.

I have a 50% chance that I am going to have a fine dining experience in an open air dining facility, and have one of the best tacos I have ever had.

Conversely, I have a 50% chance that I will have a fine dining experience, followed by severe intestinal pain cause by rotten cheese or salmonella.

Ahhh, good times. I kid about food poisoning…but I uh…I do have it.

I LOVE EATING AT THE TACO STAND!…well I don’t love it…but I uh…I do, do it.

The Halloween Treat

2010-11-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

Friends, with the passing of Halloween, and some serious reflection on how it went this year, I have some feelings I would like to share.

I have never been a huge fan of Halloween because…well to be honest it freaks me out a little bit. I don’t know if I am overly sensitive, but to be honest, Michael Jackson’s thriller still terrifies me.

Here are some items that have also terrified me this Halloween season:

The Complete Lack of Clothing

I don’t know what happens to people in the fall, but for whatever reason, otherwise sane people just go nutty about being scantily clad on Halloween. If you want to want to wear these items around your house, good on ya’, I can support that. But don’t bring yourself into my office dressed like that.

And if you have to give a presentation at work on Halloween, maybe dressing up as Michael Phelps in only a Speedo or as Little Bo Peep Show really isn't the best wardrobe option for ya'. It makes us all feel uncomfortable, and frankly, you should feel uncomfortable because your body shape and sized are not supporting you in your costume choice this Halloween season.

Children, Children Everywhere but Not a Drop to Drink

I don’t mind kids on Halloween, and I like it when my co-workers bring their children into my office for display. But I will be darned if someone I don’t even know comes into my office with a gaggle of children and expects me to give them candy. So I reluctantly give them my candy, but then they just in my office waiting for me to tell them how cute their kids are, and how much I like their costumes.

I don’t like being pressured into a compliment so there we all sit in silence unto one of us leaves. Usually it has to me...which is awkward since it’s my office.

Do Children Trick or Treat Anymore?

This year I went all out on the candies for the little children. I bought the king sized candy bars and do ya’ know how many children came to my house? Zero, nobody.

I was in my house dressed in my Michael Phelps Speedo costume, watching Michael Jackson’s Thriller, eating three full cases of king sized Snickers alone. That can't be good for ya'.

I really hate Halloween.

The Office Slanket

2010-10-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

It's October 28th or as my co-workers call it "Bring Your Slanket To Work" Day.

I hope they weren't kidding or I could look pretty foolish today.

The Dicky

2010-10-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that “Dickys” aren’t as popular as I think they are?

My co-worker came into my office today and said, “You look nice in your turtleneck/Halloween sweater combination."

Whereupon I told her, “First of all, stop hitting on me. And secondly, it is still too warm to wear both a turtle neck and sweater. So I am wearing a “Dicky” in lieu of a turtleneck.”

To which she asked, “What is a “Dicky?”

And I was all, like, “Really? Only the greatest invention of our time!”

So for those who have been living under a rock the past, oh I don’t know, like 20 years. A “Dicky” or, “Dickay” as they say it in France, is a shirt with no sleeves or a body, just a collar, or a neck…if we are talking along the lines of turtle necks.

All you ladies who are looking for a great gift for you husband, lover, or significant other…the “Dicky” is the answer for you!

They are cheap, look good in summer or winter. And because they come in a wide variety of colors they make a lovely addition to that tank top or festive Christmas sweater.

So, buy your man a “Dicky” today and he won’t let you forget it the rest of the year.

The Brotherhood of the Costco Pants

2010-10-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Do you know what is hard? Finding some pants at Costco that could potentially be the pants that will look so good that you will get that promotion, find a girlfriend, and get a photo spread on INtouch magazines “Who Wore it Best? page”

But really, you can only get a general idea of how they fit by holding them up and trying them on over your Levis. If Costco is going to sell clothes shouldn’t they also provide us place where we can try on said clothes?

Why aren’t there dressing rooms in Costco, friends? What? Do they anticipate that we are all wearing Lycra Spandex as we are shopping and can just slide pants on and off? First, of all I don’t think that Lycra Spandex is a good look for anyone. And secondly, as I painfully found out last winter, once it gets cold in Utah, Lycra Spandex, is not very practical.

I guess you could pile up some bulk sized cereal boxes and make a little wall of privacy for yourself, and then hold up a gynormous frying pan to see how they fit. But I don’t know how reliable the shiny surface of frying pan is in determining if slacks are a good fit or if they make your butt look big.

I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do while trying on clothes at Costco…you shouldn't just drop your pants in the middle of Costco and try on the slacks. They seem to frown upon that...as I found out Saturday afternoon.

The Great Pumpkin As An Adult

2010-10-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

Remember when you watched, “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” as a child and you thought it was an alright cartoon, it was no Loony Tunes, but it was at least watchable.

Last night I had an occasion to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” and as an adult, I have some strong concerns about these kids in the Peanuts cartoons.

What is with Charlie Brown? I don’t know if anyone followed his life after his little stint with the “Peanuts” gang, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he killed himself around the age of 14. Everyone picks on him, he can’t even make a good ghost costume, and when everyone else gets buckets of candy whalst out trick-or-treating, his friendly neighbors give him Rocks. Rocks? Really? Is that how we treat a child with low self-esteem, by giving him rocks instead of candy? If I was Charlie Brown, I would have come back in the night and returned all those rocks through their windows.

And what is with this Lucy? She’s a JERK, with a capital “J”, I don't care what you say. I hope that once she got into middle school someone just beat the crap out of her. I am not going to lie to you…I don’t care for her.

Where are your parents Linus? You are waiting for the Great Pumpkin until four o’clock in the morning, on a school night, and no one knows where you are? Are your parents out doing crack or something? Someone call DCFS, stat!

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much last night because I was so worried about these kids. Can someone do a “Behind the Music” episode on these guys? I really am curious how they all turned out?

The Greatest Dressers in the Office

2010-10-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

Remember that time when my co-worker and I wore the same outfit to work?
What can I say, we have great taste.

But why is she shopping in the men’s department at Eddie Bauer… or am I shopping in the women’s department?

It’s hard to say really, But who cares when we both look so darn fabulous!

(Forgive the pose. We both look like we are going to our office sponsored Sadie Hawkins dance.)

The Scripture "Yea" Confusion

2010-09-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

Here is my favorite thing that happened in church on Sunday. So I teach Sunday School and I asked for a volunteer to read a scripture for me. So this sweet sister in front raised her hand, for which I was so grateful because it usually takes five minutes for anyone to respond to me after I ask a question.

Let me pause here to say, for those who aren’t familiar with the scriptures, that one of the most commonly used phrases is “yea”, as in “yea verily”, or “yea, there was much rejoicing”, and so on and so forth.

But sometimes, you look at that word "yea" and think it’s the word “yeah”, as in “I loved that rock concert. Yeah!” or “Yeah. I really like your crimped hair”.

So you can imagine how funny it was when this sweet sister started reading thusly:

And now I say unto you that this is the order after which I am called, yeah, to preach unto my beloved brethren, yeah, and every one that dwelleth in the land; yeah, to preach unto all, both old and young, both bond and free; yeah, I say unto you the aged, and also the middle aged, and the rising generation; yeah, to cry unto them that they must repent and be born again.

She sounded like she was a cheerleader trying to get us amped for the second coming. And friends it worked!

Inside I was laughing so hard that I almost had to fake a dramatic spiritual experience and run out of the room.

Such a great day at church!

The Funniest Writer at BYU

2010-09-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

So when I was at the BYU there was a writer who wrote for the Daily Universe name Eric Snider. And there were so many times that I would read his column in the Harold B. Lee Library and laugh so hard that the student librarian would have to ask me to quiet down or she would have to take a "pile driver" to the back of the head.

I guess I pay homage to Eric Snider because his style of writing, as the German says to Marin Short in the hit movie "The Three Amigos", has Inschpired me.

If you have minute, or twenty you might want to browse around his past writings. My favorites are his "Declined Twilight Screenplays", good laughs.

So without further adieu, I give you Mr. Eric Snider, (pause...wait for applause)

The Costco Fear

2010-09-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

Don’t tell anyone, but I think I am a little scared of the sample lady over at the Costco.

Not “scared” like she is going to come at me with her hot greasy spatula, and take my wallet. Because ya know, she like 80. But “scared” of having to stand there and listen to her little memorized speech about the sample you want to...well sample.

Usually, if I am fast enough, I can grab the sample while her back is turned, but sometimes I get caught, and she launches into her little speech. And instead of just standing there and saying “thank you” and walking away with my sample, like a normal person, I feel like I have to earn my sample and engage in some sort of dialogue with this woman.

I stand there nodding my head and say things like, “A whole box of these Vienna sausages for $1o.oo? You are right that is an amazing offer.” Or “That is a great suggestion for my next social gathering. I have always said that granola bars are a great appetizer for any great party.”

Sometimes, because I feel like I need them to feel good about the little show they just put on for me, I will say, “Oh that three bean salad was so great. I am going buy three boxes of that”. Then I will load up my cart, turn the corner, and when no one is looking I will deposit the unwanted item on the next aisle behind the huge boxes of “Easy Mac”. Needless to say, leaving Costco takes me several hours because I spend most of my time hiding products I don’t actually intend to buy.

I wish I could grab my sample and before the sweet sample lady launches into her little presentation, and say, “Save it grandma, I am just here for the snacks.”

But I am far too nice for that. I will just continue to falsely build the sample lady’s confidence, and stash products I don’t really intend to buy throughout Costco.

That’s seems so much nicer to me. Don’t you think?

The Life Saver Spark

2010-09-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

So my coworkers were talking yesterday about fun things to do on a date. I chimed in saying that if you turn the lights out and bite into wintergreen Life Saver it will spark. A random thought I know, but none of them believed that this would actually work.

So I pulled all eight of them into my office to prove to them it was true.

Let me pause here to say my office is the size of closet and can fit possibly four very slender people comfortably. So all eight of us packed into my office was a pretty tight, fit even for the very slimmest among us.

So I turned out the lights and I told them to look directly into my mouth. So now, not only are we crammed in my office/closet, all their faces are inches away from my face, and we are standing in the dark.

Do you know what would be really awkward to have happen around this time?

Oh, to have my boss what in.

Guess who comes walking into my office right when I bite down on my Life Saver?

My boss.

Now my boss and I have shared some awkward moments in the past, lest, we forget the terribly embarrassing “Electric Slide” incident about two months ago. So, as soon as I saw the light from the door opening, slicing the blackness of our tightly gathered Lifesaver experience, I knew great awkwardness was about to ensue.

“So…um…what are you guys doing?” my boss asked.

“Well that’s a stupid question. Isn’t obvious what we are doing in the dark with everyone looking into my mouth. The question you should be asking yourself is why you aren’t in here with us having a great time.” I replied to myself, thinking this might have been a funnier way to address the awkwardness instead of what actually occurred.

We all just stood there. No one moved. I think we collectively thought that if we just held still he wouldn’t be able to see us. That didn’t work quit like it did when we were kids. So we all slowly melted out of our poses and all my co-worker left me with my boss staring at me.

All I could say was, “Would you…ah… like a Life Saver?”

Needless to say, I may be out of the job any day now.

So if anyone needs someone to teach line dancing or fun games you can play in the dark, you let me know. I will be awaiting your call.

The Free Samples

2010-08-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

Friends, I am not going to lie to you, I am a sucker for free food.

My co-worker came into my office today and said, “Hey Rob, Technical Services is having a party. Do you want to come with us?”

“Oh gosh no! I hate those guys.”

“They are giving away free pizza.”

“Well, I really should stop in and say hello.”

Free food is a weakness. Even if I hate the food, if it's free I can't get enough. Which is why going to Costco is really like going out to Chuck-o-Rama for me.

If it was socially acceptable for a man to tote around a “Le Bag” I would take it with me every time I walked into Costco. (I am really not sure if these are still in circulation, but my sister had one in junior high, and all I know is that I could fit my entire body into that thing.)

Here is what I would do, I would line the Le Bag with Reynolds Plastic Wrap and fill that bad boy up with samples until I had to drag that thing out of the store.

Of course, I would have to come up with some disguises to pull this off, but friends something has got to be done, stuffing samples into my pockets has become a bit of a mess.

The Waterbed

2010-08-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

This is so funny. My new favorite video.

The Hilarious Comparisons

2010-08-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was really funny.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers.

Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

The Spelling Communique

2010-08-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

Remember that speaking technique that your parents used before you knew how to spell? They would say something like, “Kids your mother and I are going Home Depot to stare at lumber.” And then your dad would turn to your mom and whisper, “We are really going for P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S”.

So I was helping out at church by watching the Relief Society sister’s children while they took a “Nature Walk” around our neighborhood. That’s right a Nature Walk, which must be code for “let’s drop off our kids to those suckers at the church and get P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S at the Wal-Mart Nail Center”. And let’s be honest sisters, we live in “big town suburbia” and there isn’t any nature within walking distance, so come on, let’s get real.

So I’m sitting there with Play-doh in my hair, while 10 children are climbing all over me, when one of the brothers came in with an excited look on his face and says, “Rob, I don’t want the kids to know yet, but we have I-C-E C-R-E-A-M if the kids are really good.”

Here’s me, “OK. I-C…UM…OK, one more time. What do we have for the kids?”

He said it slower this time, “We have I-C-E C-R-E-A-M.”

I just smiled and acted like I knew what he had spelled even though I really could had no idea what he was talking about.

Let me pause her to say that I am not stupid. But for whatever reason I just wasn’t getting this form of communication. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have kids and don’t use this method of communication as often as I should. I was just out of practice that’s all. Right?

So this good brother realized I still wasn’t getting what he was spelling because I wasn’t as excited as he was. So he picked up a piece of chalk and then wrote I-C-E C-R-E-A-M on the chalk board.

And then I blurted out like the people on the “$10,000 Pyriamid, “Oh Ice Cream”

Where upon all the children starting jumping up and down, trampling all of the adult baby sitters in a mad rush for the kitchen to get their ice cream.

Everyone else looked at me like I was a retard, because I released the “top secret ice cream information”. OOOHHHH. Come on guys don’t be so D-U-m…um…Don’t be so S-T-U-P…Ohh brother.

The "OK"

2010-08-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

“Oh, that’s OK”.

That’s kind of a funny thing to say to someone after they have wronged you isn’t it?

If someone has done something wrong why do we say “Oh, that’s OK” when it really is not?

For example, a couple of days ago I went to my voice teachers little studio, and I had to use the bathroom. Now when I say a bathroom, don’t think of a bathroom in the traditional sense of the word, with a little room with sink, toilet and perhaps a shower. When I use the phrase “bathroom” here, think of a closet that has been made into a bathroom. This particular bathroom must be where they got the name for “water closet” they have at those fancy hotels, ya know, like the Best Western or the Airport Ramada.

So I shimmed in, because I literally had to turn sideways to get into this tiny room, and took a seat. It was actually kind of cozy as I had to scrunch down because of the slanted ceiling. I also found it quite convenient to rest my arm on the sink as I, as my long crammed against the closed door.

My comfy rest was quickly interrupted however, as I heard someone approaching the bathroom door. So I did what any sane person does when they question the reliability of a bathroom lock…I started whistling and clearing my throat so they would know that this little water closet was “occupado”.

But for whatever reason she started jiggling the door knob.

What? Didn’t I make it abundantly clear with all my whistling and throat clearing that I was in there?

So I shouted, “Just a minute. Someone is in here.”

To which she responded, “I’m so sorry”.

Which I followed up with, “Oh, That’s OK”

“That’s OK”?

Is it really OK? Again, that is an interesting phrase to use.

I can see her on the other side of the door thinking, “Well he did say it was ok, so I am going to try to get into this micro-bathroom because he obviously doesn’t mind an extra person in there. It’ll be like a little pee party.”

Do you see what I am driving at friends? I know we are just trying to be nice, but when someone is trying to bust into the bathroom door while you’re doing your business, shouldn’t we cast aside pleasantries and get to the point of what we want?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe we can say something like “I forgive you sweet friend, now slowing step away from the door and let’s never speak of this again” or “Touch the door handle again and I will break your hand”, ya know something subtle like that.

The Brady's Brick Square

2010-07-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

Do you ever watch “The Brady Bunch” after work?

And after watching the jam cook off with Alice and Mrs. Brady, you are troubled with the square brink opening in the kitchen, next to the double ovens.

What is that thing?

I feel like I have watched every episode and never at anytime has that hollow brink square been addressed. And as an avid watcher I feel like I need answers Mike Brady. You are the one who designed this house, so spill it!

What is that thing? Is it some sort of “dumb waiter”? And if so why haven’t the Brady children been using that to get to the bedrooms instead of climbing all those pesky stairs? Especially “older Greg” because his bedroom is all the way up in the attic and he could use a lift.

I can’t even enjoy a complete episode anymore because I am so fixated on trying to figure out what that thing is.

Can anyone help me out on this?

The Daisy Dukes

2010-07-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

So here is something that made me laugh today...

So in honor of Pioneer Day I told my co-workers that we should all dress up like cowboys tomorrow. But I gave them a stern warning that no one should wear their “Daisy Duke” shorts or they would get in trouble.

Then one of my co-worker asked, “Oh "Daisy Dukes" shorts, like the girl from “The Dukes of Hazzard" wore? What was her name again?”

And I’m all, “Um...Daisy Duke.”

And then we all laughed at her until she started crying.

Highlight of my day.

"Come on baby, kick them Daises"

The Fight or Flight Response

2010-07-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

Are you ever amazed at your body’s fight or flight reactions? Mine are so weird.

Every time I go see a scary movie I am baffled by what my body does instinctually when confronted with fear.

As I am watching a movie and someone in the movie is walking done a dark hallway, and I know at any second a monster is going to jump out and kill them, here is what my body does: My legs pull up to my chest, followed by my pointer fingers inserting themselves into my ears, while the rest of my hands extend over my eyes, but not really covering my eyes completely, they do more like a “jazz hands” thing, so I can still see what is about to happen.

And then once the monster does jumps out to kill the person walking down the hallway, my body lets out an audible gasp. I am not talking about a quick breath inward; I am talking about a full on sound of a vacuum cleaner gasping, it is loud and usually causes a few stares. I honestly have been known to suck up pieces of popcorn and candy from the person sitting in front of me. It’s that powerful.

And then for some odd reason my legs jet forward, while my arms fly out to my side. I have injured the person next to me multiple times, and have launched the person in front of me out of their seat.

I am not sure what my body thinks it is accomplishing when it does all these things, but I worry that if a monster sneaks into my house to kill me, my first response is going to be me in the fetal position, with my hands covering my eyes, taking in huge breaths, and flailing my limbs every which way.

I could be wrong, but I don’t know if that is really going to help me survive the attack, do you?

The Recital

2010-07-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well friends Saturday was the big recital. I can’t tell you how nervous I was. I dreaded it all day long.

I really considered purposely getting into a car accident so I wouldn’t have to go. And the beauty of it is that when my voice teacher asked why I didn’t show up, I could just say, “I would have loved to have come, but you know I got in a car accident”.

I kept thinking about all the terrible things that could go wrong while singing, like forgetting the words to the song like my friend John Dakers did at his recital, passing out, or getting explosive diarrhea when I hit my really high note.

Lately, I have struggle with voice lessons because I really haven’t felt like I sound anything like I have wanted to, a mixture of Josh Groban, Axel Rose, and the BYU Young Ambassadors. I just sound like boring Robierto from the block, and who would want to listen to that?

Well I sang my song and I don’t really know how it went because I kind of zoned out during my entire song. All I know is that no one walked out, booed, or got explosive diarrhea when I hit my high note.

Sadly, I didn’t invite anyone I knew to my recital because I was pretty sure they would have given me the oligatory “Good job” and “You are my favorite singer besides Axel Rose”. But afterwards I felt like I needed someone to rate me, judge me, or tell me how I did. Where is that Simon Cowell when you need him?

Afterwards I walked dejectedly out to my car unsure of how I did, unsure if I really wanted to continue talking voice lessons, and felt downright scared I just didn’t do very well.

But as I waked toward my car a man grabbed my arm and said, “You did a good job in there.”

Sometimes I appreciate a perfect stranger giving me a compliment because you know they wouldn’t say anything unless they actually feel like it was warranted.

As I drove home singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me” I was grateful for this man who inspired me to continue on my journey of developing my talents. Thanks stinky homeless man, for your kindness has made all the difference.

The Voice Lesson

2010-07-06T07:14:00.001-07:00

So I have been taking voice lessons for the last year. I have to say, I am not the most confident of singers in the world. In fact, singing in a small room, with one person who critiques everything about the way you sing is a little unnerving.

I know I am not the best singer in the world and there have been moments that I have wanted to quit because I can’t hear that I am really improving. But my voice teacher tells me things like, “You are doing great!”, “You sing like a young Justin Bieber” and “You really made that song your own” so I have kept at it, because obviously she is seeing something I am not.

So this week I arrived early to my voice lessons because I didn’t need the usual positive self-talk session that I require before each voice lesson (I usually have to sit in my car, look at myself in my rear view mirror and talk calming words to my inner child so I can make it through the next half hour singing my guts out, while sweating buckets).

So as I sat outside my voice teacher’s studio door I listened to the last part of the girl who has voice lessons before me. She was singing a song that I didn’t recognize, but after listening to the lyrics I realized it was a Taylor Swift song, which I liked until I heard her sing it. Bless her heart, she couldn’t hit a right note if there was only one key on a piano. It was painful to listen to, but she sang with such vigor that I had to admire her courage to sing that way in front of an actual human being.

After she finished her off key rendition of the massacred Taylor Swift song, I was anxious to hear what my voice teacher would say to her. And here are the words that fell from her lips, “You are doing great!” “You sing like a young Taylor Swift”, and “You made that song your own”.

I sat there in shock. These are the same words she says to me almost weekly. Was I the male version of this young girl? Do I sound so bad that the only way she can get her “short bus” vocal student to come back is by stroking their already fragile singing egos? How dare she turn her vocal studio into a den of lies!

Needless to say, the whole experience has left me a little uneasy about my recital on Saturday.

The Cowboy Hip-Hop

2010-07-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a YouTube video comes along that just needs to be shared.

Cowboy Hip-Hop. This new dance craze has got me straight up trippin’ boo!

A couple of things to look for:

· I love the out fits of all the dancers but especially the really tall lady with the shoulders missing from her shirt, Heidi I think her name is, and the lead dancer with spandex short underneath her denim shorts. That’s hot.

· The introduction of her backup dancers is very memorable but watch specifically for the sweet moves coming from Heidi and Jaime. Priceless.

· Painful moments: When she says “That’s Jammin’”, the "Country Running Man", and the variation on the "Rodger Rabbit". Wow, hard to watch, but well worth it if you can stick it out.I wonder why country hip hop never caught on?

I will say that on “So You Think You Can Dance?” this year, someone actually tried out doing country hip-hop…he was cut within 10 seconds of his dance.

Now that’s Jammin’!

The Toilet Paper Decision

2010-06-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

Is the hardest part of your grocery shopping experience deciding what toilet paper to buy?

Yesterday, I ran into the store just to buy toilet paper, and it took me 20 minutes to come to any sort of a conclusion as to which toilet paper would work best for my personal needs.

At first, I went for the strongest and softest, the perfect comination of velvet and steel, Ultra Charmin. It almost make s you wish you had the “runs”.

However, as many of you know, for whatever reason, a 4-pack of Ultra Charmin, the Mercedes-Benz of toilet paper, now can cost upwards of $5.00.

Let’s be honest, why are they trying to gouge us on toilet paper? It’s nothing; it would be something if it was made out of cotton, or an exotic flower. But when you get right down to it, toilet paper is a bunch of lint stuck together on a roll. And they want $5.00 for this thing?

I stood there justifying this eleborate purchase by saying, “You work so hard Rob. You deserve to be pampered at least once a day… or once a week depending if I am eating my Activia like Jamie Lee Curtis wants me to.”

But because I am on a budget and trying to save some money I swung the toilet paper purchasing pendulum to other side of the aisle. I put the luxury toilet paper down and picked up the rainbow variety picnic napkins that only cost .89 for a quantity of 800, and considered using them as toilet paper. I could save a boat load of cash, but on the downside could all that pastel dye cause an unforeseen skin reaction in an area where I don’t need to be scratching all day long? I don’t even get me started about the softness factor…

So I was back to toilet paper square one, deciding which toilet paper to buy.

Finally, after 20 minutes of going back and forth, I bought the generic brand “Petal Soft” for $3.00 and felt like it was a good balance of luxory and frugality.

It’s too early to tell how I feel about it since I didn’t take my Activia today. Hopefully it will be a good buck for my bang.

The Awkward Family Portrait Website

2010-06-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

Friends-

If you haven't discovered this website, you must. It makes me laugh so hard.

Awkward Family Photos

Enjoy

The Run

2010-06-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever overestimate your athletic ability? You have run a marathon, triathlon, and won the two legged race at your office picnic this year, so when your friend invites you to run a 5k you think to yourself, “Honestly how hard can this be?”

Actually pretty hard.

Did I mention I haven’t run for, oh I don’t know, six months or so? And I am still running in the same shoes from last year. And I was feeling gassy the morning of? But all these things notwithstanding I am an athlete, my body will automatically snap right back into the groove once that gun goes off. Right?

Let me also pause here to say that at this same race last year I placed first in my age division, so really I came into the race with a certain expectation of me winning yet again. But alas, who could have anticipated how events would unfold that would affect me in a deep in a profound way throughout the remainder of the race.

So for whatever reason I couldn’t find the start of the race. I am driving around hoping they will wait until I arrive, because I won last year, and it ain’t no party, unless it’s a Rob Abney party. Am I RIGHT?

I pull in right when the gun went off to start the race. So I jumped out of my car, trying to take off my sweat pants while running at the same time. So I couldn’t get them over my shoes but I just keep running with them down around my knees.

I really need to purchase some “pull away” sweat pants like they have in the NBA or at a local strip club, because I am afraid I looked really stupid.

So I am running a long, and feel like I am running in slow motion, in fact I might as well have been running backwards with how slow I was going. Everyone else was passing by me so quickly and I just needed to stop and take a little breather until my second wind kicked in. It never came, so I decided to take a short break at the 1 mile mark where they were serving water to get my head back in the game. Well, 30 minutes later and after a refreshing 15 cups of water I continued on.

I finished the race with a time of 60 minutes. Yep, I ran about a 20 minute mile, a very nice clip if I may say so.

Needless, to say I didn’t win this year. In fact, I think I came in last, well not dead last, one of my friends accidently went the wrong way and ended up running the 10K.

So the take away lesson from this experience friends is never put your confidence in last year’s win…and don’t show up late…and always wear “tear away” sweats.

The Double Down

2010-06-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

Have any of you seen this little cutie at your local KFC? It’s called the “double down” and friends you all need to go try it. My life was made better by making this purchase the other day.

I can’t put it into words so I will let KFC describe what it is:

The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!

Frankly friends, I'm a little worried about the future of bread. Why have we waited so long to have chicken fillets hold our sandwich contents together? They are delicious and nutritious, and with the Colonel’s original recipe it has the potential to make my PB and J that much better. Am I right?

I double dare you to go try it.

Don't think about, just do it.

Your heart will thank you.

The People Magazine

2010-06-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

What is it about that “PEOPLE” magazine, huh?

You see it at the store and classify it as scandalous.

You see it in your neighbor’s home don’t you think less of them for buying that trash?

But when you are at doctor’s office, what is the first magazine you reach for?

Inevitably it’s the “PEOPLE” magazine, am I right?

And you aren’t just skimming through it either. You are voraciously looking at every picture and caption about those “Twilight” kids (those kids are so Hot right now).

What is it about the security of the doctor’s office that makes us so bold to read “PEOPLE”?

It’s hard to say. All I know is, yesterday when the doctor called me back into his office I told him that he was going to have to wait a couple of minutes because I really needed to know who the 100 most beautiful people were.

He laughed, and told me to come back now or I could find another Dr.

But the interesting thing was, when I walked into the examination room, guess what he was thumbing through? A “PEOPLE” magazine.

Yep, there is something about the Dr.’s office that gives all of us, including the Dr., the permission to look at trash unabashedly.

And for that I am grateful.

The Things I Wish to Say

2010-06-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wish that you were braver then you actually were and you could say the things that you are really thinking instead of hiding behind political correctness or being nice?

I do that a lot. Sometimes I sit and think of cleaver things that I wish I would have said in certain situations. I think this is why I usually only get six hours of sleep each night.

So I share them now with you, hoping that amongst my readers there are at least two of you who are heartless and could use these in your every day conversations.

1- “Unclean!” To be shouted from your bathroom stall when you know the person that was next to you a few moments ago didn’t wash their hands.

2- “Hey, baby your too beautiful to smoke.” To be said whenever you pull up next to a lady who is smoking in a convertible. Oh, and you need to say this like Barry White.

3- “Umm, yeah, buddy, I don’t know if you are aware, but, uh, YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE!” To be shouted to anyone who has a muffler that is pumping out more smoke than exhaust.

4- “Ah, sir you dropped this, and I am pretty sure you meant to put it in the proper receptacle”. To be said to anyone who flicks there ciggie on the sidewalk or out their car window.

5- “I have no response to that” To be said after someone comments in your Sunday School class after a twenty minute tangent about something that has nothing to do with your lesson.

6- “Oh, grow a set” To be said whenever anyone complains about something I ask them to do, like massage my feet.

7- “I don’t know who you are, or where you come from. But from now on, you will do as I tell you. OK?” To be said to any child who gives me back talk.

8- “Oh really? Well then you don’t know how to “kid” properly, because we both should be laughing.” To be said whenever anyone gives me a backhanded compliment, and then follows it up with “I’m only kiddin”.

9- “Are you crying? Really? Oh my…are you really crying?" To be said whenever anyone cries over a Nicholas Sparks movie.

10 “Your words are like fists. So please keep your hands to yourself.” To be said whenever anyone says my sexual harassment presentation was boring.

Take them for what their worth. And let me know if they gave you any satisfaction saying them aloud.

The Culotte

2010-06-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Friends-

Do you ever see someone who is wearing a dress while they are standing still, and then they start walking and you find out that their long flowing dress, is really pants? And you bust out laughing because...what is that thing?

I saw someone wearing one of these ridiculous things out in public the other day and I thought, "I am not a fashion expert, although many of my friends say I have an quite the "eye" for some great khaki pants, but don't these things freak people out. Aren't there some rules about looking so weird in public?"

And so I have included some of my rules for the wearing of this bizarre piece of clothing, called the "culotte":

Unless you are a women and have a formal gathering you need to get to, and your only means of transportation to said formal gathering is your bicycle or unicycle, you are forbade from the wearing of culottes.

Unless you are a women and have a rockin' cello solo in your town symphony orchestra concert, and you have to steady your cello with your knees and look formal at the same time , you are forbade from wearing culottes.

Unless you are a female martial artist who rode your bicycle to a formal dinner, where you were playing your cello and you were attacked by some ninjas, and you were concerned about modesty when you did your "high kicks",...you are forbade from the wearing of the culottes.

If you don't fit into any of these three categories and you decide to wear the culottes...I may have to a call the fashion police. Be warned.

The Dressing Room

2010-06-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

So I went shopping yesterday and had to try something on? And when I found the dressing room I realized that it wasn’t tucked in the back somewhere, where you would think it should be, but it was in the middle of the store. That’s correct, right next to where people were picking out a new pair of Khaki’s was the place where I was expected to disrobe and try on items.

Isn’t there something so exposing about being in a dressing room? It is designed not to be, but friends, until stores make dressing room doors that reach the top of the ceiling, and all the way to the bottom of the floor, how can we be at peace in that tiny little box of a room?

And it doesn’t help that they install these doors that are the size of those you might find in an old west saloon for coverage. Who are they kidding with those? They provide no protection against prying eyes.

And to make matters worse I am extremely tall, so those doors on the dressing room are really covering, at best, up to my navel. So if I am trying on a shirt, I really have to squat, which is never an attractive look for a man, so I can be somewhat modest by covering up my upper body.

And I can’t help but feel kind of like a burlesque dancer in there, except not as confident? I am showing various limbs above the door and dropping clothing on the floor. So if any pervert is watching, they could be getting quite a show.

So instead of giving fellow customers the satisfaction, I ended up squatting, and crouching on the chair in the dressing room so I could hide my entire body behind those puny doors.

And then inevitably you always have that one stray kid who has wondered away from his mother who is in the next stall doing the “squat and crouch” on her chair. And he decides to sneak away and stick his head underneath your stall to say “hello”. Which causes you to lose your footing and you slip off you chair onto the floor in your underpants, where everyone can see you struggling on the floor.

And women wonder why men don’t love to shop.

The Ken Clip

2010-06-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

This is so funny. I love it when Ken is at the Disco. Check it.

The Job Search

2010-06-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

Friends, in this time of economic hardship, where people of my age group are out looking for employment, I would like to share with you some observations/helpful suggestions to landing a job. Since the majority of my time at work is spent looking over applications and doing interviews, I feel I have much to offer in this area… oh, and you’re welcome.

Helpful Hint #1-
For all my Gen X-er friends out there who think it is so “awesome” to have your favorite music playing when I am waiting for you to pick up your phone, let me just clue you in on a little something. Unless the music on your phone is classical music or possibly a good John Denver ballad, take it off ASAP.

I can’t tell you how many times I have sat waiting for someone to pick up their phone while their favorite Mega Death/Slayer mix is blaring in my ear. Friends, it makes me not want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #2-
Never have one of those phone messages that goes a little something like this, “Hello…(and then I start into my conversation, which goes on until I hear…) Oh, sorry I am not home. Leave me a message….”

It makes me feel stupid. I don’t like it. It makes me not want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #3-
When I ask for your email on your application and you put your handle as, Copkiller@yahoo.com, Bigpimpin@gmail.com, and my personal favorite, footlong****@msn.com it doesn’t look good. And worse than that friend, it makes me blush, in so much, that I don’t want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #4-
When I bring you in for your interview, and I ask you why you think you would be qualified for this position in law enforcement, and you say, “Well I just got out of a regional treatment center and know the inner workings of a lockdown facility.”, I have to pause…because I don’t even know how to respond to your answer. Sure it makes me want to cry, but sweet friend, it makes me not want to hire you.

It is a tough market out there, and I want to hire my Gen X friends.
So using terminology that they will understand, “Pull your heads out, and stop being such tools!”

FYI, all these experiences are too real I am afraid.

The Awkward Re-run

2010-05-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

Do you ever go over ta' the Wal-Mart to do some “roll-back” shoppin'”? It is my least favorite activity of the entire week, but you have to eat, so you go and crack it out.

So last night almongst the bitter grapes in the Wal-mart produce aisle I ran into my neighbor, who I know sort of, but not really. So we just made idle chit-chat and shared some obligatory pleasentries, and then I finished with, “It was good talking to you. I will see you later.”

But as I was walking down the next aisle, who did I see? My neighbor walking towards me. I didn’t realize that when I said I would see him later it would be two seconds later.

What do you say? It’s not like I hated the guy but I had already finished up our last conversation and I didn’t have any fresh new material to talk to him about. So I just said the first thing that popped into my head,

“Heeeeeey neighbor. Didn’t I just see you? Ha-ha! Alright we’ll talk to you later.”

And then I quickly got out of there, and moved three aisles ahead of him so this awkwardness wouldn’t continue.

So, there I was in the toilet paper aisle, squeezing me some Charmin Ultra (which, by the way, if you haven’t tried it, is a little piece of heaven on your blind side) when I run into my neighbor again. So, my heart is pounding and I just want to run the opposite way with my cart. But I am a grown up, so through a strained smile, I do the pretend “punch in the stomach” and say, “I keep running into you!”. And then I bolt with my cart and run five aisles ahead of him.

I don’t know if we had identical shopping lists but I sware I ran into him like three more times. So by the fifth "run in", the situation has gotten so awkward, that when we saw each other heading down the same aisle toward each other we didn't even make eye contact, and pretended we were complete strangers, even though we are trying to figure out the social etiquette to alleviate these awkward feelings we both were experiencing.

So I finally, I had to actually take a time out because the whole situation has gotten out of control. I actually hid in a clothing rack until I could see he was finished with his shopping, so I could finish mine.

And I just want to say here, my neighbor isn’t a bad person, he is good people, but it’s the situation that is so awkward. It’s talking to someone, actually giving them a farewell or a “we should get together for lunch” and then rounding the corner and seeing them again…and again…and again.

Why is that so awkward? I am not sure, but it usually sends my feelings of social anxiety through the roof!

So finally, I get my shopping done, drive home, pull into my parking stall and start unloading my groceries, and you’ll never believe who pulled in right next to me.

Yep…my neighbor.

(dedicated to Molly-Noooo)

The Reception Line

2010-05-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

Spring is in the air friends, and as such people are falling in love and getting married.

What does that means for you and I? It means a whole boat load of receptions we get to attend. Hooray (with my voice going doing at the end).

And oh that dreaded reception line. I really don’t mind receptions so much, but oh that line!

So I was at my cousins wedding over the weekend and stood in the line waiting for my turn to give my congratulations to the happy couple. May be I have a touch of social anxiety because talking to perfect strangers in a reception line makes me terribly uncomfortable. So I planned a head and wrote down some potential conversation starters on 3x5 cards just in case I ran out of things to say.

The line was moving so smoothly. I stopped and talked to my aunt and uncle, and then moved to the groom’s parents, who I didn’t know. I shook their hands and said the obligatory “congratulations” and “so nice to meet you” and didn’t even have to whip out my 3x5 cards. And that’s when the line came to a total and complete stand still.

So now what? I had already discussed with the groom’s parents all the wedding pleasantries that I knew. What could I have talked about now? The rainforest, global warming, the cast of Jersey Shore. Were these appropriate conversations to have in a reception line? It's hard to say.

So there we stood in absolute silence, smiling…looking at each other…looking down…looking back at each other…smiling, praying that one of us could come up with something to talk about…but nothing. So we went back to smiling…looking down…etc.

After a while they got tired of me, so they just turned and talked to each other. I was left standing there feeling like I was invading their privacy, and almost said, “Hey, guys what you talking about?”.

So ten minutes later I was still standing there, sweating, and about ready to have an anxiety attack. In my mind I just swore at the guy in front of me and pleaded with him to please stop talking, so the line could start moving and I could get out of this dangerously awkward situation

And just at the point I almost reached over and pushed this talkative "friend" into the wedding cake, my good cousin told him that they needed to keep the line moving. Ah, sweet relief!

So I looked at the Grooms parents, smiled and said, “It was an absolute pleasure talking to you both.”

I think I am going to start bringing Boggle with me to receptions just in case the line stalls again. That way the groom’s parents and I can play a quick round, as opposed to all that loud awkward silence.

The Weepy Barber

2010-05-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I went to get my hair cut, down to “Hair-a-dise City”.

I was in a desperate need of a crew cut, stat.

So I showed up only to realize that there were four other guys also in need a solid crew cut to start spring, so I braced myself for a wait.

As I was waiting for my “crew” to be “cut”, one of the ladies, who was cutting a little girls hair at the time, received a phone call, so naturally I eavesdropped on her conversation.

I couldn’t really hear the whole conversation over the cutting shears, but here is the jest of her conversation:

“Hello, this is Hair-a-dise City, where the grass is green and your hair is pretty. How may I help you?”

“Yeah”

“OK. Bye”

And that’s when the tears started. I don't know what was said on the other side of that phone but this girl didn't get “misty”, we are talking full on tears, with little gasps in between them.

So, all five of us reacted as most men do when a female cries, fained like we were a sleep or acted like we were intently texting someone.

To my surprise, after she hung up the phone, still sobbing, she just went right back to cutting this little girl’s hair. The little girl and her father didn’t know what to make of this, so all us at "Hair-a-dise City" were silent except for her occasional sniffles.

Now what is right thing to do here friends?

Should I go take the shears out of her hand, and hold her?

Should I try to cut this young girl’s hair and go tell this sweet sister to go lie down with a cold compress?

Well, someone had to do something because can you imagine what kind of a haircut she would give if those were angry tears streaming down her face?

And now days later, I can verify that those were angry tears she was crying, as per my terrible haircut.

I feel I can only blame myself.

Why are men programmed to become socially retarded when women start crying? It's hard to say.

The Line

2010-04-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

Do you every become a fan of a TV show or movie and worry that you are getting dangerously close to crossing over the line into terminal fanaticism?

That is how I feel about the TV show LOST. I know I shouldn’t love it as much as a do, but heaven help me, I do. And sometimes I worry that I may be slowly crossing a line over into one of those weird fans that normal people start distancing themselves from.

But luckily for me, I have seen that line and I know what it means to “cross over” into absolute fanaticism. I would like to illustrate with a story, if I may…

Picture it, Provo Utah, a month before StarWars: The Phantom Menace was to open. My roommate and I were obsessed with all things StarWars. Any magazine article that even mentioned “StarsWars” we had to buy it. Any food item that was pressed into StarWars characters we had to eat it. I think we watched the StarsWars movie trailer over a thousand times. But how could we help it? We had waited our whole lives for George Lucas to come clean on his promise to make the prequels to our favorite movies (Let me pause hear to say how disappointed we were after we actually saw the prequels). How could we not be excited?

So one day my roommate came home and said that we should go camp outside the movie theater for a month so we could be the first people in Utah to see Episode I. I was a little reluctant at first, but we filled my backpack with StarWars fruit snacks, and granola bars (why we thought this would sustain us for a month I will never know) grabbed our sleeping bags and headed to the movie theater.

As we pulled into the movie theatre our excitement was quickly silenced by what we saw immediately ahead of us. What we saw friends, and prepare yourselves for this, was a “StarWars Shanty Town”. That’s right, tarps and tents filled with StarWars fans that we would be spending the month with.

Here are some the highlights of what we saw: two young padawan learners who were having an intense lightsaber battle with plastic swords, a grown man putting on Darth Maul make-up, and my personal favorite, the man reading a StarWars comic in a Queen Amadala blow up chair.

We sat in silence for a minute, looked at the mess before us, and then I said, “Sooooooo, you, ah…wanna head home?”

“Yeeeaahhhh” my roommate said slowly, “Leeetttt’ssss head home.”

So my friends, that story always serves as a powerful reminder to me as to what it means to, “cross the line” in regards to crazy fanaticism.

I bring this up because I may, or may not have created a LOST “smoke monster” costume out of a grey leotard, cotton balls and a mobile fog machine.

Have I crossed the line? It’s hard to say.

The IPAD Encounter

2010-04-26T10:02:00.001-07:00

Yesterday during stake conference I saw my first Apple IPAD sighting. I must say it was quite impressive. I don’t think anyone around this good brother holding his IPAD got anything out of stake conference because all eyes were on this amazingly large gadget.

Now there are definitely going to be some draw backs to bringing your IPAD to church. The first, and obvious one, is that no one is going to be paying attention to any lesson or speaker because everyone will watching you diddling on your Ipad. They could announce the second coming over the pulpit and no one would even know because everyone around you would be so enthralled with the amazing functionality and bright colors of your high-tech machinery.

Secondly, remember how back in the day when you would bring you IPHONE to church and instead of using it to follow along in the lesson, you could check sport scores and play solitaire during priesthood? And so long as you nodded your head ponderously and looked heavenward every so often, no one was the wiser.

Well, with this new IPAD those days are long since over. You might as well be playing solitaire on a billboard than be playing it on your IPAD, because friends we can all see exactly what you are doing 50 feet away.

So the first time we see you check scores, play solitaire, or watch a movie during church, I am afraid I am going to have to confiscate your IPAD.

As Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Promise me good brother; you will only use your IPAD for good.

The Electric Slide

2010-04-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

My job has been really stressful lately. Yesterday, I was almost to the point of shutting my door and sobbing gently to myself. But I resisted and called my co-workers together and said it was time for the “Super Fantastic, 4:10 Express Dance Party”.

So I put on my I-Pod and what song did it land on? The Electric Slide. Remember the Electric Slide from High School? The song that brought all those people that absolutely had no rhythm, and really shouldn’t have been dancing in the first place, out on the dance floor for at least one dance that any person could look semi-cool doing.

So three of my co-workers congregated in the middle of our office (my other co-workers were too afraid to fly their freak flag that day. Don’t question it, just do it!) and did the dance of joy, or as others call it, the Electric Slide.

Then mid way through our dance my boss walked in. We were nervous …but we stayed to true to the dance and kept right on a slidin’.

He asked, “What are you guys doing?”

“Ah, yeah doy, we are doing the Electric Slide. What does it look like” I said

“I can see that but why?”

And without thinking I said, “’Cause it’s Electric! Boogie-woogie-woogie-woogie!

He didn’t laugh…but deep down and I think he appreciated my candor because he joined us on the last verse.

Friends, never underestimate the power of random dance numbers at work. It brings people together and reduces stress in a way that is fun and cost effective. And really, that’s what it’s all about.

Which reminds me, next week we are going to do the Hockie-Pockie.

If you are in the greater Salt Lake area around 4:10 on Thursday, you just might want to stop on by. Boogie-woogie-woogie-woogie!

The Long Good Bye

2010-04-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

Do you ever email or instant message someone and you want to wrap up the conversation but it goes a little something like this?

Them: Thank you so much, good to chat with you.

Me: You are very welcome. Good to talk to you as well. (At this point you go on with your work because you think you are done with your little communiqué.)

Them: I sure appreciate all your efforts.

Me: Don’t mention it. (OK we are done with all the pleasantries. Right?)

Them: Well I feel like you need to know that you are a valued member of our team. Thanks again.

Me: You are welcome. Have a nice day.

Them: You to. Have a wonderful day.

Me: Thank you, you do the same

Them: Thank you so much. Talk to you later.

Me: Ok.

Them: Ok. Thanks so much, good to chat with you…

And so it goes with all the cyclical pleasantries, of saying “thank you” and “don’t mention it” like eighty times and frankly it is a little grating after a while.

Let’s be honest, this is why I can’t instant message people, because I am never sure when we are actually done with the conversation. It always goes on and on with “good to talk to you”, and “always a pleasure” and “we’ll have to get together really soon”. And you are not sure if you should click out, because you know you are done with this little conversation you are having, but you are not sure how to really send a clear message that yes, in fact, you are done talking with this person

I think I am going to start ending all my conversations with how they do it on Star Trek, with me saying “end communication”.

I think Captain Picard implemented this because he must have had similar problems while instant messaging the Klingons.

Man those Klingons never shut up with the good byes! Am I right?

Quiet Dignity

2010-04-05T09:18:00.000-07:00

When I was on my mission, my companions and I would get a little raucous and loud. But how could I not be raucous? I was hilarious.

After a time of raucous laughter, my Mission President would sidle up to me, put his arm on my shoulder, and whisper, “Quiet dignity Elder. Quiet dignity”

That seemed to quiet me right down. I knew that as a missionary I should be more “dignified” because of what I was doing.

This weekend I had occasion to go to General Conference and I was reminded of the importance of the principle of “Quiet Dignity”.

Now I don’t know if you are aware but outside the Conference Center there are people out protesting the Church and some of its doctrines. I was prepared for that.

What I wasn’t prepared for, were some of the members of my church doing counter protesting in some pretty ridiculous ways. Let me call out few of the things that I saw and you be the judge how “Quiet Dignified” they were.

Group #1- As I entered the Conference Center grounds, there was a group of about nine people holding posters that said, “Free Hugs”. Now I don’t like to stereotype people but I could see a group of freshman from BYU thinking this would be a great idea. I am graduate of that great school, and love it with all my heart, but friends, two words, Quiet Dignity!

Group #2- I saw sign, that’s right, a sign, not a poster but a full on 12 foot vinyl sign that said the following: “Hi my name is Satan. These street protesters are my missionaries.” Really?

Two words friends: Quiet Dignity

I was a little embarrassed for my fellow brothers and sisters, because are they really helping our cause or are they making the rest of us look ridiculous?

As I walked out of conference and walked by a group that was just singing hymns, I was heard to say, “Friends thank you for keeping it quiet and dignified. Thank you for adding to the spirit instead of drawing attention to yourselves. Keep it real!”

The Wrong Name

2010-04-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever assume that you are better friends with someone than they think you are? I have this “friend” who lives in my neighborhood, we work for the same company, and we belong to the same church, so you would think we could consider each other friends, maybe not “best-ies” but friends nevertheless.

So yesterday I saw my friend at work and I walked up to him and said, “Hey friend (the name has been changed to protect me), How is it going?”

His response, “Hey Dave, It’s good to see you.”

I thought, "Dave? Really? Dave?"

Now let me pause here to remind you the name of my blog, The Days and Nights of Robierto. No, my first name isn’t Davy, it’s Robbie, Mr. Abney if you're nasty.

So as we made small talk, he kept referring to me as “Dave”. I can understand him making the same mistake once but over and over again? I didn’t know if I should have correct him, because I know he knows my name, he used it last week at church for pity’s sake.

I was so bugged, that I couldn’t even focus on our conversation. I kept wondering what is the right social protocol here, and where is he pulling the name “Dave” from?

Looking at me you can tell I am definitely not a “Dave”, I am a “Rob”…or possibly a “Rigoberto” but definitely not a “Dave”.

I probably should have corrected him, huh. But that is the sort of things you do with strangers, or people you dated once, and then it ended badly and you run into them at the mall, not someone you consider a “friend”.

He did tell me he just got back from the eye doctor and his eyes were dilated. Maybe he did think I was this mysterious “Dave”.

That would explain why he asked me about my wife “Franchesca”.

The Status Quo

2010-03-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

When I was in my younger years I was in a performing group in college called “Showtime”. We would sing and dance, and do firesides about “Chastity”. Looking back at that time it really was one of the happiest I have ever had.

I look at my life now, which is great don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I am just in survival mode, just getting through when really shouldn’t the opposite be true? I don’t have highs or lows just the status quo, just normal everyday living, and I don’t know that I love it.

To be honest that is why I haven’t blogged for a while because nothing funny has happened.

Sometimes I wish I could get the band together for just one more “Chastity” fireside. Grab a microphone, a tuxedo, and just sing my guts out for an hour about the dangers of STD’s. I think that could solve all my problems…and potentially anyone in the audience with a chastity problem…but this is my night, so it’s mostly for me.

The Rabid Deer

2010-03-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

I went walking on the Jordan River Trail at lunch and this man rushed up to me looking terrified, like someone was chasing him.

He looked at me and said, "Dude be careful up ahead because...

(Now let me pause here to ask you a question. If some crazy person comes running up to you in a highly wooded area, what do you automatically assume? I'm thinking there is a man wearing a hockey mask chasing him with a butcher knife, or a rabid Grizzly bear on the trail killing everyone in it's path.

Wouldn't you assume the same?)

Now back to the story already in progress...

So he is out of breath and can't finish his sentence so I automatically say, "What? What is it? Do you need help?"

He looks up at me with his eyes full of terror and says, "There are seven deer on the trail! BE CAREFUL".

OK. Deer? Seriously dude?

I stared at him and then gave him a good slap on the face, and moved on down the trail.

People can be so queer around wildlife.

Bless his heart, he must be from California.

The Spring Thaw

2010-03-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if you all know this but there is a special something that comes to Utah that blesses the lives of it's residents in March. It’s not an event that you can track on your calendar, but you just feel it in your soul when it comes. I like to call it the “Utah Thaw”, and it happened yesterday in our great state.

For, four months in the coldest months in Utah our souls hibernate. We aren’t very nice. We spend a lot of times indoors watching a lot of bad TV and eating a lot of hot chocolate and fatty foods, mostly French fries. We aren’t depressed but we just experience seasonal dreariness that is tiring to carry around.

But Oh friends, when the sun comes out and hits 50 degrees in Utah, people just come alive. Now, I know in other areas of the US, 50 degrees is not considered warm, but in Utah after four months of winter, 50 degrees is flip flops, shorts and tube top weather.

So yesterday, I was running in my tube top, and I felt so happy about the sun beating down on my ashy white skin. I then ran across the park that had just been aerorated,( which, let’s just be honest, even though you know those dirt plugs are not dog poop doesn’t your mind lead you to believe that you need to tread lightly nevertheless?) and smelled the fresh wet earth, I thought to myself, “Things are all right”. It completely changed my whole attitude. A little sun makes all the difference.

Spring is here friends! Get on that tube top and go for a run. Get your “thaw” on!

The Great Photo Mystery

2010-03-04T08:22:00.001-08:00

Do you ever see pictures of yourself from when you are in college? My friend emailed this picture yesterday asking for clarification as to what we were doing.

As I looked at it I can’t even think, 1-where the picture was taken, 2-who these people are in the picture, and 3- why I am standing over these people with kitchen utensils in my hands.

I didn’t do drugs or drink alcohol in college, so how is it I can’t remember anything about this event. And by the looks of this picture, this is such an amazing, fantastic, and disturbing event that I am positive I would have remembered it.

It begs the question why are all these people’s bums wet and why do they seem strangely proud about it?

And why is my bum not in the air with all these people, who I can only assume were my friends?

Did the kitchen utensils have some twisted part to play into why the people have wet bums?

And lastly, and more importantly, why is there a broom stuck in the window?

I wish I had more answers friends, but every time I look at this picture more questions arise.

I swear someone must have super imposed me into this picture because I am not one of those people who do things like this.

I guess we can just chalk it up as another great mystery of life. Much like the mystery as to why Charlie Sheen is still allowed on TV, when he can't act and really isn't very funny. I guess we may never know.

The Oscars

2010-03-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

Is it already time for the Oscars? It seems like only yesterday that I was writing about my favorite movies of 2008 and here we are talking about my favorite movies of 2009.

Now I don’t see a lot of movies because my mom doesn’t let me see movies with naked people in them, or movies that are excessively violent. So that has pretty much limited my award picks to maybe three movies this year.

Let’s first talk about some movies that were a disappointment:

“GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra”-Growing up my friends and I loved GI Joe, and I always thought, “
This would make the coolest movie.” It could have been so cool but they cast people like Channing Tatum and that obnoxious Wayans brother. Channing Tatum has the acting range of a rock, unless you love “Step UP” and then he is awesome. It was hard to watch, but throughout the whole movie I kept saying to myself, “It’s going to get better.” Yeah it never did.

“Transformers 2”- OK so if the Transformers can appear like humans and seduce Shia Lebouf why in the world are they tromping around like huge trucks and jets? Just sayin’.

“Wolverine”- I am not saying it wasn’t a good movie because it was alright, but it just could have been so much better. I mean come on, the source material is so good. And why are we trying to make Wolverine to be a nice guy? He isn’t a nice guy. He can kill you twelve ways before you even know your dead.

Moving on to some positive movies this year:

Best Picture: “UP” I love this movie. It has a little bit of everything for everyone. It just has a lot of heart. It helped me feel again.

Best Actor-Matt Damon for “Invictus”. I always underestimate Matt, but when he pulls out the South African accent I have to give him props.

Best Actress- Meryl Streep for “Julie and Julia”. I have never loved Julia Childs but this movie humanized her for me. And Sister Streep did a great job. Although when they showed her and husband getting frisky with each other I had to look away for a second.

Documentary- “Happy Valley” Good flick about drug usage in Utah Valley. All about the drug culture where I was raised. Very interesting.

Best Art Design- “Avatar” Visually this movie is amazing, story wise not so much. When it started to surpass “Star Wars” and “Indiana Jones” for top grossing movie I have to admit I was a little bitter about it because, is it really that deserving? When people ask me what I thought of “Avatar” I say, “It was excellent…except for the parts with the talking.” Let’s be honest James Cameron movies aren’t known for the great dialogue. Lest we forget Leo Dicaprio shouting “I’m the king of the world” in Titanic? Ouch that is painful to watch.

Well enjoy the Oscars and may 2010 bring us some great movies. I can’t wait for the next Twillight movie!

The Big Dance

2010-03-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

So guess what friends? Remember how I blogged about leading the music in Elder’s Quorum and how disastrous that was?

Well guess who was just was made the bishop of our ward? The Elders Quorum president.

And guess who he thinks can lead the music because I do it in priesthood weekly? Me.

But leading music in Priesthood is very different than leading music in sacrament meeting. Am I right?

Sacrament Meeting is the “Big Dance” of leading music. People actually look to you for direction. And the organist depends on you to keep the beat. The congregation expect you to know what you are doing, and let's be honest I really don't.

So I showed up to Sacrament Meeting to go over the hymns with the organist.

I immediately sat down next to her and, said, “Oh sweet sister, here is the poop, I don’t know how to lead music, and why they asked me to lead the music today is beyond my scope of understanding. So here is what we are going to do, I don’t want you to look at me for any type of direction or cut offs. You just keep you own time sister, and I will follow you. Thanks you’re the best!”

But she replied, “No, I am going to following you. I trust in you.”

Now I believe that you are blest whenever you do what is asked of you when it comes to church. And maybe today if I had faith, perhaps as I held that baton, in some miracle from up above my arm would find the beat and this could change lives and the organist and I would weep at how beautiful this experience could be for both of us.

I could do this. Is anything to hard for the Lord? And let’s be honest friends, I am pretty darn fantastic!

So I led the first two songs, and friends, I wasn’t solid but I felt like I was holding my own. I felt my confidence building with each verse. It was a miracle! And that’s when I realized the organist was making a face, an ugly face, and I had a strange feeling it had something to do with me.

During the sacrament she made her way off the organ bench, which in and of itself takes quite a bit of skill for a women in a dress, and she came and sat by me, took me by the hand and said, “Good brother, I don’t know what you are doing up there, but can I give you some pointers on how to lead music?”

I tried not to cry, but I am afraid my lip started to quiver, just a little.

I guess the real miracle here is that they haven’t asked me back for a repeat performance.

The Water Jug

2010-02-22T12:18:00.000-08:00

So here is a new trend that has taken our little church congregation by storm...water bottles.

Now, I am not talking about little water bottles, I am talking about full on Nalgene 32 ouncers that you take hiking, camping and run marathons with.

I can't decide why the women in my ward need them. Are they so overcome with the spirit that they they are getting dehydrated? All that talk about spiritual things is making their mouths dry? What! What is it sisters?

I am not sure if they are aware that there are three drinking fountains 10 feet from the doors of the chapel.

All these questions and emotions came to a head yesterday when the speaker brought up her 32 oz Big Gulp mug filled with water, and set it next to hear while she gave her talk.

You know I would rather step on my tongue than criticize others but...sister please.

(My friend said in her comments that women with young children need to have a lot of water. I am not sure if I understand, unless they have to...oh, is that what they are doing with blankets and their babies...and then they...Ahhh I see.)

The IKEA Problem

2010-02-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

Do you ever go to IKEA and walk in with the intent to purchase, I don’t know, perhaps a towel and walk out three hours later with two bookshelves, a storage shelf, and a chair?

And because of all the excitement, and your manly desire to assemble pressed wood furniture you walk out to your car only to discover, to your shock that you own a Honda Civic, and not a one ton Ford pickup, which you would actually need to haul all your boxed furniture back to your house.

These are the story problems they should be teaching your children in school, not the ones about a train leaving New York. “If your Civic is 12 feet long, and you are trying to put an IKEA box that is 17 feet long in your trunk. How much of your IKEA box will be dangling out of the back of your car?”

They say that necessity is the mother of invention so I sat on my pile of boxes to figure out a way to get all my long, weighty boxes into my Civic.

I figured I could hold all my purchases with one hand on the roof, and shift and steer with my other hand. I don’t want to brag friends but I am huge, and this wouldn’t be a problem for someone with my muscular arms.

However, I do live a good 30 minutes from the IKEA, and going 60 mph around some of those corners may cause some IKEA boxes to go flying off my roof and into someone’s bay window. And that would not be good, mostly for me, but also for that window.

As I was now laying down on my pile of boxes in the middle of the IKEA parking lot I saw a homeless man sitting out by the street and considered recruiting him for some help. If he could lie on top of my purchases and then lace his arms and legs through my back and front windows. I think that would hold friends. And in my mind’s eye, I could see him having a great time. He would more than likely be saying “Wheeee” all the way to my house. Much like you would do on an amusement park ride.

But friends let’s be real, one tap of my breaks, and that man is going flyin’. Am I right?

So feeling somewhat defeated, I did the walk of shame back into the IKEA to return a few things, well everything really. No matter how good you are at Tetris it really doesn’t prepare you for fitting IKEA boxes into your Civic.

The Customer Service rep was very understanding and didn’t pass judgment. He told me I wasn’t the first person to think their trunk space was bigger than they thought.

I was so glad he told me because as I approached the counter I was ready to share with him that I had AOR…Adult Onset Retardation. Thank goodness I can save that excuse for another day.

The Timid Hello

2010-02-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder what the correct response is when the janitor pops their head into the bathroom and says, “hello”?

I always just give a reciprocal “hello” as loud as I can, but is there more that I could be doing as a patron of the restroom to make her feel more appreciated in such an awkward communiqué. It’s hard to say.

There must be some formal and nice way of communicating that you are busy and you don’t want her to come in for at least…I don’t know…another30 minutes, but I am not sure how to communicate that without sounded a little put out and flustered.

The question arose today and I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me as far as information goes. Does she want to know how many of us there are in the bathroom, how long we are going to take, and if we need any extra supplies?

The pressure of just knowing someone is out there waiting for me to finish up is a little nerve racking, am I right? And the fact the she will greet me as I am leaving with judgmental eyes that seem to say, “I know what you did in there and if it’s a mess I will be very disappointed in you."

Friends, if any of you have suggestions on what the correct, polite response is, please let me know.

We may have to make an emergency call to Ann Landers, because I am not sure what to do in such a delicate situation.

The Nervous Conductor

2010-02-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

So one day at church I volunteered for what I thought would be a one day stint leading the music during Priesthood. But now it has turned into, what I would like to call, and "un-sustained calling". Where you do all the work but don't get any of the perks. Like getting your name in the program.

Let me pause here to say that my parents taught me some simple strategies for leading music, let me emphasize the word “simple”. They taught me that whenever you lead you have two choices, you either draw a sail boat with your hand or a triangle, and that will help you if the time signature is 3/3 time or 4/4. Sooo simple.

So as an adult I have followed that strategy and I have had much success because in Priesthood meeting we only sing one of two songs. Either it’s “Ye Elders of Israel” or “High on a Mountain Top”, which I have mastered with my leading skills because they are both in 3/3 and 4/4 time.

So yesterday they asked me to lead and I didn’t happen to look at the song we were singing before I got up, which was a huge mistake.

So as we started the song all was well, and then all of a sudden once we hit the chorus it went into a 9/12 or 9/72 time signature, and I was like…What in the what?

So right away, I am way off and everyone was looking at me like I don’t know what I was doing, because I didn’t, but I couldn’t let them know that, so I just started flapping my arm vigorously, but that wasn’t helping, because I was still off the beat.

And then I thought back to how my parents taught me how to lead music by drawing pictures. So I started drawing with my waving hands.

I started with some nice seascapes and then with much panic transitioned very nicely into some cresting mountains, hoping that with some luck, I might find away to get on beat. But what I found is that peoples heads were following my hand so well that their heads were going up and down, and all around because, bless them, they were such good followers. I am afraid I may have caused a concussion when two older brethren knocked heads and then slid off their pew.

Finally around the fourth verse, I started to write, with my out of control arm “H-E-L-P M-E!”

It was just a whole lot of ugly going on up there, and that just isn’t a good color on me. So, mid-song, I just sat down because sometimes at church we are told to stretch ourselves, but what happens when you stretch so far you break… and then you break good members in your congregation? It’s hard to say…

The Upward Climb

2010-02-01T10:34:00.000-08:00

Don’t you wish you could be better? That your heart would be pure and you would only think good about others and their efforts.

I think this way everytime anyone is church says, “Brothers and Sisters we must go out and do our duty” (or doodie as I interpret it), and I have to excuse myself from the meeting because I am about to burst with laughter.

Or when someone is giving their heart and soul to a musical number in church that has taken a bad turn, and you know that if any one so much as looks at you, you are going to laugh all over the place.

I long for the day when I will see the world with a pure heart and will be able to sit through bad musical numbers without judgment and/or laughter. When I will see people for their good hearts and not their tacky outfits and bad hair cuts. Someday, somewhere I’ll find a new way of living….

But for now, I will just keep trying to hold it in.

Brothers and Sister I will go out and do my duty! (he he)

The Sledding Incident

2010-01-25T09:42:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if it’s just me, but as I have gotten older activities that used to thrill me as a child have now become absolutely terrifying. Activities like skiing, swimming in the ocean, and sledding make me fear for my very life.

So, I went sledding this weekend, that’s right sledding, with some friends up by Bear Lake. As we drove up the canyon with our sleds and tubes I began to feel a little nervous, but I was trying to be brave and make a good impression in front of my friends.

I got to the top of the hill and sat on my sled determined not to procrastinate this challenge any longer. So, about twenty minutes later I lifted my heals out of the frozen ground and started my descent.

As I started down, my fear got the best of me. that is when the flailing of the arms…ok, and my legs, began. Come to find out you can’t create enough wind resistance to slow yourself down just by waving your arms and legs against the wind. Lesson learned friends, lesson learned.

Then I thought if I just dig my heals into the snow I will be able to slow myself down sufficiently in order go at a safer speed. My theory was proven wrong however when I found that as I dug my heals into the snow, the momentum of that little act turned my sled completely 180 degrees.

So now I was going 80 mph, going backwards, flailing my arms, and in addition screaming like a little girl.

I finally got to the end of the hill, laid down “spread eagle” and sobbed softly to myself.

I started down the hill trying to make a good impression in front of my friends. Well, needless to say I made quite an impression.

Lucky for me after that super fun sled run, my friend broke her ankle after an equally troubling tubing run, so we got to leave.

Thank you friend…thank you!

The Hidden Talent

2010-01-20T11:34:00.000-08:00

Do you know what saddens me more than anything? That most people will never know what a great lip syncher I am.

I am never as free with my skills as when I am in my own bedroom, jamming out in front of my full sized mirror, with my lamp shade turned on it's side to form a make shift spotlight, performing Michael Jackson's "Blame it On the Boogie", or High School Musicals "We're All In This Together".

What frustrates me the most is that it's not like you can go out and search for opportunities to share this talent, because they seemed to be reserved for youth groups and family reunions.

I tried to just show up last week for the Youth Activity at church with my ghetto blaster and sequin pants, but they kindly asked me to leave. "Let me thrill you with the power of my lip sync", I yelled as they dragged me out of the building. But they were having none of it.

So if any one knows of any venues that are open to some quality lip syncing please let me know. If not I will be performing, and by performing I mean lip syncing, a melody of my favorite patriotic songs down at the Gallivan Center for the entire month of January. For the finale their will be fireworks, and by fireworks I mean sparklers. So come one down!

The Standoff

2010-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

For those who have read my blog before you know I have some issues using public toilets. If anyone talks to me, makes any sudden movements, or puts any undue pressure on me, my bowels lock up and I am forced to use a man’s version of Lamaze to get what I need to done in there.

So yesterday you can imagine my delight to walk into the bathroom and notice that I had the whole place to myself. I chose my favorite stall and sat down for a nice relaxing stay.

As soon as I sat down however, the janitor entered and started refilling all the toilet paper, and paper towel dispensers.

I was a little anxious with all his opening and shutting of the paper towel dispensers and hoisting those cheese wheel sized reams of TP into their proper place. But with the help of some deep cleansing breaths I was able to gain control without “locking up”. I just kept reminding myself that after he was done he would leave and I could go about my business.

But friends, he didn’t leave. He just stood in front of my stall waiting for me to finish so he could re-stock. I could tell he was getting impatient with me because through 1/4 inch gap in the door I could see him sighing loudly and looking at his watch.

Well, if you thought I was anxious before, now I was sweating and I could hardly even breathe. I was locking up fast folks, but I said to myself, “Why should this be. I have the right of way here, not him.” So I sat determined to win this silent standoff. I wasn’t going to budge until I had accomplished what I had set out to do, which was to …well you know.

Twenty minutes later he sighed and walked out. I stood, well sat, victorious against my opponent who didn’t know who he was up against. Who am I to get pushed around by the janitor? Women please!

So there I sat, I was relaxed and feeling good until I noticed…

“Oh crap…I don’t have any toilet paper!”

The Year End

2009-12-31T12:34:00.000-08:00

Here are some cool things that I learned in 2009:

Doing an Olympic Triathlon without training is not as fun as you might imagine. Doing a 5K dressed as Santa is…priceless.
Reading “Percy Jackson” “The Hunger Games” and “The Road” have brought back my love for reading. I find young adult fiction is just about my speed now days.
I found that performing in “Savior of the World” as the angel Gabriel at the Conference Center is the best way to spend the holidays.
Taking voice lessons by a qualified teacher instead of trying to learn from Lady Gaga music videos makes a huge difference.
Buying my clothes at Wal-mart instead of Eddie Bauer has taken some getting used to but I have found the difference is negligible. Exploited children in China make a pretty good shirt and pant combo.
Movies like “Up” “Star Trek” and “The Proposal” make me happy to pay $8.00 for a movie ticket. Movies like “Transformers 2”, “GI Joe”, and “Wolverine”…not so much.
I found that living alone can be…ya know…lonely. But I have been grateful for new friends made, and old friendships rekindled.
To see my parents leave on a mission to Turkey for two years made me realize that, yes, I am a momma’s boy.
I have a real fear of commitment. I can’t even join a gym because they require at least a year membership.
I learned to cook some good meals this year: Black Bean Soup, Chicken Tika Massala, and…please hold your applause to the end…Chicken Enchilada Casserole. I alternate between these three dishes every week. I clean them out faster than a fat mans eating hand.

May 2010 bring some new challenges, some new recipes, new friends, and at least two dates.

Friends, have a fantastic New Year!

Robierto

The Nice Guy

2009-12-30T12:16:00.000-08:00

So I am really sensitive about others feelings, maybe to a fault.

Yesterday, I went to give blood. It’s true. I don’t really love the pain but I do love the treats they give you after. Usually I fain dizziness and they let me stay there for like two hours where I proceed to eat my weight in chips, candy, and V8 Juice.

So I was lying there ready for that two inch needle to suckle at my ample vein, when my phlebotomist, Trish, came over and discussed what was going to happen.

With my super power of over sensitivity, I deduced that Trish was very nervous and perhaps this might be the first time that she has ever drawn blood from an actual human being.

So being the nice person that I am, I thought I would "kill her with kindness" and make this a glorious experience for her to calm her nerves and make her feel like a superstar.

So she stuck the needle in my arm, and friends, oh the pain. She might as well have been pouring lemon juice into a paper cut with the burning and stinging I was experiencing laying in that Craftmatic Adjustable Chair.

I didn’t want to say anything to her because I was afraid I was going to hurt her feelings, but friends I was hurtin’ for certain.

She asked, “Now how does that feel?”

“Great”, I said with strained smile and tears rolling down my checks.

Friends, the pain continued up my arm and then settled right behind my eyeball, which began to twitch violently.

A few minutes passed and she said, “Rob, how are you doing.”

At this point I was uable to make any vocal sounds, so I just gave her the thumbs up and laid my head back in pain.

So finally, being the perceptive phlebotomist that Trish was, she said, “Rob, you have told me you are OK, but the sweat soaking through your shirt and your violently twitching eye seem to be telling me you are in pain. Is that correct?”

I nodded. And she then proceeded to pull out the needle a titch and all the pain went away, except for the twitching in my eye, which may or may not ever fully heal.

Friends, why do we do such things? From here on out, I call that pain trumps nice-ness. Too many times I have been nice at the dentist, the doctor, and the phlebotomist where I have been in extreme pain and said nothing in fear they would feel bad about themselves.

I have learned these simple phrases that I feel will help me and you:

“Hey buddy, I can feel everything you are doing to my tooth! Be a pal and top me off with some more Novocain…and while you are up, hit me hard with some “laughing gas”.

“Seriously? Seriously. Do you soak your hands in ice water before you do a hernia check? Come on brother. Seriously!"

“Um… yeah…it seems that blood is shooting out of my arm.”

Learn these phrases three and you will not have to suffer as I have, lo these many years.

The Christmas Minimalist

2009-12-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

When it comes to Christmas I have always been a minimalist.

I don't put up a tree, I don't hang up lights, and I hate shopping.

But I must confess that I love Christmas and the feeling of it.

I love watching old out dated Christmas cartoons on TV. My favorite is "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". I love the message of it, that Christmas doesn't come from a store, perhaps thought the Grinch, perhaps Christmas means a little bit more. So true.

In church on Sunday we had our Christmas program, and mid-Silent Night I was so touched with the words "All is calm all is bright" that I started "ugly crying" in front of the whole congregation. But I didn't feel too bad because my fellow bass started "gasping crying" so I was in good company.

It seems that our neighborhood has had more than it's fair share of troubles this year, but the message of Silent Night, that because of our Savior and his atonement, that really all can be calm and the future can be very bright.

Good friends, I wish you a very Merry Christmas and hope this upcoming year may be calm and bright!

My blog has brought me such joy in this last year. It has helped me to find humor when I haven't been feeling all that great, and has made me laugh, seriously laugh...OK...on the floor laughing when life has gotten too serious.

I thank you for your hilarious comments and your related experiences that have made me laugh even harder.

-Robierto

The Osmond Family Christmas

2009-12-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

Do you ever forget how much you like a certain album? And then one day you are looking through your CD’s and you rediscover it and you listen to it over and over again?

Would you like to know what Christmas Album I recently pulled out and have quite enjoyed for the last two days? The Osmond Family Christmas.

Friends if you don’t own this album you need to find it today, because it will change your life. Seriously why are you still reading this and not running to your car to track it down?

My parents raised us on the classics, mainly, The Sound of Music, Hank Williams, Frankie Lane, Anne Murray, and Barbra Streisand. I think those really where the only albums we owned and I think we melted them from overuse.

But when Christmas rolled around it was the Osmond Family that kept us going through the holiday season. Now traditionally I am not a huge fan of the Osmonds, but man, they put out a kickin’ Christmas album. And all of them are on there, from Donny and Marie to good little Jimmy.

So at this holiday season when you are debating about which Christmas album to purchase, whither it be the Christmas Shoes CD or the Osmond Family Christmas Album, I hope the will be, Osmond, again, and again.

Friends, go Osmond or go home!

The Incredible Exploding Egg

2009-11-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

Do you ever start out your morning by saying, “Rob you’re a genius!”

That is how I began my morning today. It is rare that I start the day this way but friends I was feeling incredibly inventive.

I have been really busy lately because of work and I am also in a play at night so finding time to eat has been a bit of a problem.

So this morning I woke up early and said I am going to make some hard boiled eggs so that I can just pop them in my mouth while I am on the go. It is good protein and I can gag them down with water.

Let me pause here to say I don’t love eggs. I eat them for the protein but I usually have to plug my nose and shimmy them down. Sometimes eggs trigger my gag reflex which is really embarrassing for how many times I have ordered eggs on a date.

I was running low on time so I thought why not just boil them in the microwave? Again, Rob Abney you are genius.

So after about, oh, I don’t know, eight minutes basking in my own greatness, the explosions started.

I am not talking about little “booms” here friends; I am talking about full on “someone is throwing grenades into my house” type of explosions.

So needless to say after a half an hour of using a sand shovel to dig yoke out of my microwave I feel sufficiently humbled.

Apparently I missed the day in Home Economics when we covered such topics as “Boiling an Egg: Doing It in the Microwave Could In Fact Kill You”.

The worse part of this whole thing is that now my entire house smells like egg poop. I was dry heaving all morning.

Technology: She is a bitter mistress.

The Sharing of the Hymnal

2009-11-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

Do you ever offer to share your hymn book with the person next to you at church and they don’t hold their half of the hymnal?

It really is frustrating because you are forced to take the full weight of the book (which, let’s be honest, those hymnals are not light) with your one hand.

By the time you are half way through the song your thumb starts burning and your whole hand starts to get the “shakes”.

You think the person next to you will get a clue that you might need some assistance because the unsteadiness of your hand gets bobbing and weaving the hymnal all over the place. But for whatever reason your neighbor's head is bobbing and weaving right along with your hymnal.

By this point, your muscle spasms have increased to the point that you might as well be reading the hymnal on a roller coaster than to be able to see it clearly in your pew.

By the fourth verse you are telepathically screaming at your neighbor to please just take the other side of the hymnal. I mean, isn’t that why we go to church to help lift one another’s burdens that they may be light? Friends, I think it is.

Finally the song ends and you pry the hymn book out of your hand.

Then you realize there are three more songs to be sung.

Friends, needless to say, I am a little sore today. It has taken me five hours just to type out these feelings.

The Bathroom Noise

2009-11-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

Do you ever go to someone’s house for a visit or party and feel the need to freshen up?

And once you close the door to their bathroom, which is located right next to their living room by the way, you become acutely aware of the inadequate sound barrier within their bathroom chamber.

You begin to worry about what the guests outside might hear as you are in the bathroom. And to compound your problems you may have had some bad Indian food for lunch.

And all of a sudden you become supremely self conscious of every sound you make in the bathroom. Even to the point where you start sweating and doing irrational things like running the tap water as you do your business, or stuffing toilet paper underneath the door to create a more effective sound barrier.

This thinking is completely irrational because we all make noise in there. Am I right? So why all this sensitivity?

I bring this up because yesterday I had this experience and I think at one point I was trying to “shush” the toilet as I flushed.

I am I insane? I am not ruling it out at this point. However, I don’t think I am the only one who feels this way. Am I right friends?

The Helpful Response

2009-11-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

Do you ever go to Sunday School and the teacher asks a question and after there is a very loud silence that permeates the room?

All eyes are cast to the floor as if there is a fear to make their sentiments known concerning their gospel knowledge.

The awkward silence seems to last for ages and still no one in the class budges or even makes an attempt to answer the question. Now why should that be?

I feel so sorry for the teacher because he starts sweating and pleading with his eyes for anyone to raise their hand to move his little lesson along.

So naturally, being the generous soul that I am, I raise my hand and start in on an amazing comment.

But as I start to talk I get a little carried away with how great I am and kind of lose what his question is really about. So I talk a little about faith, and then merge over to repentance, then bounce some controversial facts about caffeine in Barqs Root Beer in there.

And so I continue for what seems to be several minutes. I want to stop but I couldn’t seem to wrap up my comments to a point that would make sense so I just kept talking. It is like I had word vomit and I couldn't stop my comments from coming out all over the place.

After a couple of minutes of talking I didn't even know where I was in regards to this poor man's lesson. Hint: Once you find yourself talking about how Noah survived in the arc with all those animals (Seriously though, the smell alone should have killed his entire family. Am I right?), you have drifted too far from home friends. Bring it on back to home plate.

So finally, I couldn't find an out for myself so I just said, “And that is all I have to say about that. Thank you.”

And if you thought it was silent before…It seemed like the entire class was staring at me as well as the teacher.

The teacher took a minute and very slowly said, “OOOKay…So…um…thank you for sharing that.”

I felt bad because I really wanted to help my teacher friend, but I am afraid I took his lesson way off course. It took him a couple of minutes to bring us back to the subject at hand.

Now I know why no one comments in Sunday School.

Mystery solved friends, mystery solved.

The Nog

2009-11-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

Friends it’s Egg Nog time!

It’s officially November and as such it is now open season to buy and drink Egg Nog.

I must confess I already started drinking it in October. I am not proud of it but the rich deliciousness helped me get through a very difficult time. Sure I am ten pounds heavier, but as my friend Sheryl Crow has said, “if it makes you happy it can’t be that bad.” Words to live by Sher-bear, words to live by.

Now, I have recently heard some very negative things concerning the goodness of Egg Nog. This is troubling to me because what is more American than Egg Nog? I am, I am,..I am.

First off, some people complain that Egg Nog is too fattening. Too fattening? Woman please!

I think the problem is that people are thinking they can drink Egg Nog like they would drink a Big Gulp. Oh sweet naïve friends, no, that is not how we drink our Egg Nog. You have to drink it in small portions. I would recommend purchasing a shot glass from your favorite bar or tourist attraction to help in your portion control. Trust me, you won’t feel so heavy after you drink it. Unless you are like me and do like 14 shots within an hour.

Secondly, don’t dilute you Egg Nog with milk friends. Are you kidding me? Come on, “man up”, drink the hard stuff, it will put hair on your chest. To really enjoy a full flavored Egg Nog you have to drink the full creamy version that comes straight out of the carton. To dilute Egg Nog is like taking a Renoit painting, throwing water on it, smearing the colors together and saying that it looks just as good as the original. And let’s be honest, we both know that is a lie.

Lastly, don’t just guzzle it down. You must sip it. Sip it and let the rich creamy flavor penetrate each taste bud, and be prepared to experience a feeling of peace and a feeling that the world is slowing down (Hopefully this is a result of the Egg Nog, and not because the rich cream is slowing your heart down to an unhealthy level. If so go back and check your portion control.)

I hope this has been helpful. For those of you who have resisted drinking Egg Nog, I hope this will be the year that you embrace it with all your other holiday traditions. Tis’ the season to be Noggy.

For those who already love Egg Nog. I am getting a keg full of Egg Nog for New Years this year. We are going to drink Meadow Gold Egg Nog until our hearts stop or we are too sick to move. Either way it is a win-win.

The Extra Hour of Sleep

2009-11-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

I know I write the same blog every six months but …

Really? Day light saving again? I just barely got my sleeping pattern regulated and here we go again changing the time around. What in the Sam are we doing people?

I am so angry that we are trying to fiddle around with nature’s timing mechanism, the sun. If Mother Nature wanted us to screw around with time she wouldn’t have invented the sun dial. But friends she didn’t. Why we feel like we have to mess around with a good thing I will never know.

Sure people tell you we get an extra hour of sleep, but seriously that is only for the first night. They rest of the week your body is freaking out because it doesn’t really understand what you are doing and you end of being more tired with your supposed “extra hour of sleep”.

I am done with this messed up system. I am not doing it this year. I am keeping my old sleeping schedule. I am in bed at 9:00 pm and waking up at 5:00 am that way my sleeping schedule goes uninterrupted.

Sure I am going to be super early to work and may have to go home early from several events but seriously, friends something must be done.

Whose with me?

Book Trailer Debut

2009-10-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

So friends, I very reluctantly post this video, not to show you how great I am (although I am quit fantastic), but to confess something that I may regret in the future.

One of my readers found this on YouTube and so I feel a need to come clean with a confession of sorts.

When I moved to SL to start my acting career I was discovered at the Gap, where I would often go to look at the pima wool sweaters that I could never afford, but loved to try on.

Well one day, whast I was eating a Hotdog on a Stick and dreaming of owning my very own pima wool sweater, a young women approached me and said I had a face that could be very succesful in the world of book trailers.

That's right book trailers. It's like a move trailer, only with books.

I knew that book trailer studios system was not the most glamorous industry and had a reputation for being loose and tawdry. But I was naive and hungry, and most of all I really needed a pima wool sweater from the Gap. So I decided to do it.

Now the book trailer is out there folks. Floating in the underground world of avid female readers who love to read books about romance and basketball. The vido is now living, and breathing in the land of YouTube where is will never die. Do I wish it would die? Perhaps. I will wait to see how much I pull in from this low budget trailer.

I have no idea what this book is about, and I don't even know the author personally. But it is so intense that it scares me a little bit. Pay close attention to Richard (me) staring off into the distance and saying "I want to help you." and her response, "I have to do this alone."

Who is this girl Indiana Jones? It's hard to say.

So enjoy and let's never speak of this again.

The You Tube tutorial

2009-10-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

So I sometimes I go to singles dances and I never feel satisfied with my dancing skills. I blame most of my "singleness-hood" to my awkwardness on the dance floor.

It is not that I am without rhythm, because friends I can really swing it, it's just that my dancing consists of a lot of flailing of my arms and legs. And when I don't know what to do I revert back to the "the running man". You can never go wrong doing the "running man".

So I went to YouTube to see what kind of dancing instruction I could find, and luckily I found this little diddy.

I performed this at the last stake singles dance and it was powerful. Sure there were some slight concussions because of the low ceiling, and I did drop a few people, but I did get some "digits" after it was all said and done.

The Danger of Driving and Watching Videos

2009-10-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

Remember that time was I driving home late one night and the SUV in front of me was showing “Monster Inc.”? A timely tale of the love between a young girl and sad monster who is searching for something more in his life that can only be filled by the laughter of a small girl named Boo.

I can’t talk about it without breaking up inside. Give me second…ok I’m back.

So there I am driving and enjoying the movie, of course I can’t hear the movie at all but I know it well enough to do the different voices, and laugh when the moment warrant.

So we finally we got to the end of the movie when Boo is looking for Sully in her closet and can’t find him and I’m bawling and can’t find a Kleenex. So I am searching for something to wipe my tears with, and all I could find was a receipt from Wal-Mart.

When suddenly, and without warning I saw a two bright red lights distracting me from my search of some two-ply anything. I don’t remember this part in the movie, I thought to myself.

Then I realize it was the brake lights of the SUV. I was rapidly approaching them at warp speed. So I slammed on my breaks and narrowly escaped ramming into the back of them.

It was kind of sad because all this commotion made me miss the end of the movie. It was hard.

Luckily I didn’t die. However it definitely was a wakeup call to me and hopefully to you as well.

I would like to bring to light a dangerous driving situation that is plaguing our road ways today, the danger of watching great movies in the vehicles in front of you. If you are like me, and I would like to think that you are, if there is a TV on anywhere, my eyes will find it and lock on to the signal. That is dangerous if you are driving. Am I right?

Friends if we are serious about safety on our roadways, and I would like to think that we are with the banning of texting and cell phone usage. How can we be blinded about inadvertent video watching and driving?

Something has to be done.